Volleyball Camp and My new Goddaughter

All is well here in Haiti! The girls are doing volleyball camp every morning. That means they start at 7am at the latest. Some girls are ready at 6! By 8:30am, it is getting too hot to play and everyone takes a morning nap. Tomorrow is our last day in Hinche so they will try to do a small tournament.

Leika is the daughter of Genette's neice. She is my new god daughter. I will try to post a photo of her but Genette and her husband, Louinet, are here now and I must go. Mobile Clinic tomorrow, then off to Port Au Prince on Friday morning. I feel like we have been here for 3 months and yet Friday is coming up so quick. Will post again soon!

His Name is Jackson

 

Has a month gone by? So much has happened and my head is swimming with Creole. Was it just yesterday that a woman who gave birth at the hospital asked me to name her baby? She was one of our first timers, 20 years old. Pushing was hard for her and she was definitely not liking it. After helping with a 10^th timer and a stillbirth, I was ready to sit her birth out and let Ami have her day. Somehow, however, I found myself in the middle of things. Her name is Sylvan and the student assigned to her was definitely not one of our strongest. When Ami and I come up against a student who needs extra help, we double-team her on a birth. We let the student listen to heart tones, which she definitely needed practice with. I delivered the baby after about an hour and half of pushing. The mother finally smiled after the baby was born. This, in and of itself, is unusual. But, she was happy that her son was born, healthy and strong. I asked her what his name was and she said, “You name him.” I would normally protest in humility, and yet with her, I felt it as a request that honored that we had accomplished the birth together. Jack came to mind, and then, Jack-son. So many boys here are named Benson, Wilson, Gampson, Jameson. I figured she would like Jackson better than Jack. I wrote it on a piece of paper for her so that she wouldn’t forget.

These moments of connection arise as a surprise. I mostly feel somewhat detached in the labor ward; partly because of the stench and mess, partly because of the language, partly because of the overload of sensory stimulation. I might collapse under the weight of any one of these factors. Keeping myself detached helps me to survive the 6 hour shift. And yet, birth has an incredible power to force connection. I can’t help trying to reach deeper into the laboring woman, trying to find a place to see each other eye to eye. Sylvan saw me as someone who took the time to help her in her most desperate travail. She honored this connection by having me name her son. So, he is named Jackson.

Before I left my shift for the day, I threw together all my little sundries in a ziplock: 2 coconut almond bars, a pen, a packet of wipes, an opened travel pack of panty liners. I wanted to give something back to Sylvan, too, to honor her. I wanted to give her anything I had. She has nothing. She smiled when I gave her the gift and in Kreyol, I told her I was happy to meet her.

Yesterday we went to the Matron’s Graduation. You can see Dina’s new YouTube video about the Matron’s here. I was told by Genette that Nadene wanted me to speak at the graduation. Later, I was also told that the students had chosen me as their “Godmother.” This is an honorary title given to someone who will bless them with well wishes as they embark on their new lives. I felt honored and doubtful that it had anything to do with me particularly. I was curious how I had been chosen and I finally found out when we reached the graduation. They had simply said, “How about one of the volunteers?” Since I was already a speaker at the graduation, I was a shoe-in. During the ceremony, I got to sit next to the ex-Mayor of Hinche who was chosen as the Godfather. We were the dignitaries at the event along with a representative from the Ministry of Health.

It was a wonderful graduation, with lots of singing and short skits to represent the work of the matrons. The ceremony was very African in style: drumming, dress and presentation all reminded me of a time when I travelled to Cameroon and saw the officiating at the opening ceremony for a new road.

This graduation of the matrons is significant. This is the second class of traditional birth attendants who have gone through a 20-week course on birthing that includes cleanliness, safety and mostly, danger signs of pregnancy. They take their role very seriously. I couldn’t hold back the tears as they sang and danced their commitment to saving the lives of mothers and babies.

Today we went to Miss Genette’s mother’s house. Genette is the young, clinical director of the Midwives for Haiti program. She was inspired to become a midwife by watching her mother work as a matron. She started helping her mother at births at 17 years old. We visited where Genette grew up, saw her one-room school house and her church. She grew up andeyo, or in the countryside. It is so inspiring to see her humble beginnings and to realize how far she has come.

While we were there, Genette’s niece made me the godmother for her new baby, Leika. I was honored and welcomed into Genette’s family. I am grateful for community and family, here and at home.

Photos from First 5 days in Haiti

Girls at Maison Fortune

Mary Louise and Viola learning Creole

Moto is the way to go!

2 hours of electricity at night means FANS!!

Bringing School benches to..well...school

"Danse" with Joska

Ready for Soccer

Does this remind you of another photo?

Haiti hot!

Marlande and Neslande, sisters

Happy campers!

Haitian Friends

It is hot. Haiti hot.

My body is so tired, but I can’t sleep. So, I’m sitting in the moonlight, writing a blog post. I would rather sleep. But, I can’t.

Coming to Haiti this fourth time was as much about seeing my Haitian friends as volunteering for the program. Genette, Magdala, Filomen, Guerlie, Esther. I love that we have carved our niche into this program and that, not only do people remember us, but big hugs are to be had whenever we see our midwife friends. Today, even the cook at the Midwives for Haiti house remembered me saying, “Aren’t you the one who sang, “Kijan ou ye? Kijan ou ye?” I launched into a chorus of the song we had made up our very first year here. It is a simple, nonsense song of the few Haitian Creole phrases that we knew. How are you? I don’t know. Not now. People love that song!

I saw Genette yesterday for the first time. She is as strong and competent as ever. I kept trying to ask her if there were any specific trouble areas with the program that she wanted me to work on. She just said that everything was moving along fine. She later showed me her new house that she is renting with her husband, Louinet. It is a cement structure, two rooms — a living room and an adjoining room that contains their bed, their dining room table and a stove and fridge. This is a huge step up from her previous home that didn’t even have electricity. I am so happy for her! I see the framed Sapling Award that she received at the MANA conference last year. There is also a snowy TV turned on, practically the first that I’ve seen in Haiti. Her position as Clinical Director of Midwives for Haiti is helping her move up in the world. She deserves it.

Magdala, Filomen, Ibanez, Paulene, Marie Ange and Judeline are the midwives at the mobile clinic. There is one student that accompanies us as well. Ami and I are with them and I am skeptical that they are going to need 8 midwives to do the clinic day. Boy, was I wrong! We say 82 women in about 5 hours. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by the end. Not having eaten and coming down with a cold did not help my depleted energy level. Did I say that I haven’t been sleeping? It’s too hot.

But Magdala and the midwives were so happy to see us. I was reminded of how hard they work. Heck, they do those clinics 4 days a week. I was wiped out after just one and need to take tomorrow off. We saw mostly healthy mothers and babies which was a treat. We did, however, also identify one woman with extremely high blood pressure (200s over 100s), one woman with a prenatal breast abscess and yet another woman who appeared to be in labor and yet, not really. She kept complaining of pain, but I did not palpate a contraction when she said so. Maybe it was a UTI, false labor, some other mystery complication, but we drove her and her sister back to the hospital in Hinche at the end of the day.

In the meantime, Viola and Mary Louise are making fast friends with the girls at the orphanage. I finally returned around 5pm to see the girls playing soccer, Mary Louise getting her hair braided by Barbara, and Viola being loved on by Sofia and some of the younger girls. Barbara even wrote Viola a secret letter. She wrote, "Dear Princess Vayola, I am happy to see you. I want to be your friend..." This is a major victory. Go Viola!!

 

 

I am happy to announce that we are all happy and well here in Haiti, minus a few stomach upsets. Kenel, our Creole teacher and Haitian son, is going to Port Au Prince tomorrow with 11 other young men from Maison Fortune. They will all be taking the national college entrance exam that allows 100 lucky (or connected) (or rich) young Haitians to attend the State University for free. If I am understanding correctly, the boys have other opportunities lined up for them, if they don’t make this slim cut. Most likely Kenel will enter the Catholic University in the fall, sponsored by the Virginia parishes that support Maison Fortune.

Gladius is another one of our translators. He will be going to the US in 2 weeks to attend a community college in Virginia. This is huge!! We are so happy for all of our Haitian friends and their continued opportunities.

We feel blessed for friends and community, as we build relationships even here. Viola, as expected, is speaking Creole already!! M kontan wey ou — I am happy to see you!

Here in Hinche!

After two days of travel, we are here in Hinche once more.

We left San Francisco yesterday morning around 7am. Dina, Viola, Mary Louise and I and our 500 pounds worth of stuff. We had successfully acquired a bag full of sneakers and shoes, three bags worth of T-shirts, volleyball shorts, knee pads and clothes. When I say bag, I mean a 50-pound bag of luggage! 12 volleyballs were donated by SF Juniors and we even received a volleyball net from a parent at the SF Waldorf School. We had soccer balls, malaria pills, a few medical supplies and various and sundry gifts for our Haitian friends. We were ready for adventure!

We arrived in balmy Miami around dinnertime, settled in for a short stay and went out for a lovely, local seafood dinner. Air conditioning was a luxury we knew would not follow us to Haiti. In the morning, we woke up to catch our 10am flight to Port Au Prince. I am always touched to see the scores of volunteers on the plane. Happy people, just like us, giving of themselves. I was attempting to put Dina’s heavy camera backpack in the overhead bin, when the man behind me asked me if I needed help. I said, “Sure.” He said, “Happy to help.” I knew that he meant it on a deep level. Those who travel to Haiti do it because they love it. We receive a small sense of satisfaction to be helping someone in need. Haiti will benefit from our small acts of kindness for years to come. With compassion, we lend a hand, hoping to make a difference.

Ronel and the jeep (not the pink one this time) were waiting for us at the airport. Each year I notice the improvement in the airport infrastructure and feel confident that there is, indeed, movement happening in this country. We loaded the jeep high with all of our bags. 8 volunteers in all, each with their 2 fifty-pounders and two carry-ons. Ropes, bungee cords and years of experience transformed an overflowing truck to a moving tower of luggage with plenty of room for 10 of us to sit. Viola and Mary Louise rode in the back, seeing Haiti for the first time. Tap taps, donkeys, the green and brown countryside — they absorbed the sights with excitement and curiosity.

After 3 hours of driving, we arrived in Hinche. Our first stop was Maison Fortune where we were greeted by our young friends, Odey and WaWa. They didn’t know we were coming. A moment of hesitation turned into warm hugs as they recognized us. My own outpouring of Haitian Creole probably resembled jibberish as my feelings of excitement could not keep up with my rusty language skills.

The girls had been moved to a different campus. It is about a half a mile away  from the school and main campus of Maison Fortune. Even as we drove up, we saw Barbara walking down the road. I excitedly told Ronel to stop the jeep! Barbara is one of the oldest girls at the orphanage and she is definitely the alpha female. As such, she remains aloof at times, observing rather than joining in the younger girls’ ruckus. When she saw us, I saw a smile of recognition cross her face. She was happy to see us.

As soon as the younger girls saw us, the swarming began! We had told them the year prior that we would bring Viola to visit. One of their most common questions is if we have any children. So, we had talked about her and shown photos. Nearly as soon as Viola and Mary Louise got out of the Jeep, they surrounded them; a couple of them said, “Li belle.” She is so beautiful. They grabbed their hands, blurting questions in Creole that Viola and Mary Louise didn’t understand. The smile was understood though and there was general merriment and celebration.

Later that evening, we sat on the porch of our building, surrounded by girls. They hugged us, asked questions, sang to us, played hand clapping games. They are happy in this new compound. It is spacious, clean, safe. It’ll be a great place to teach volleyball, away from the boys who would steal the volleyballs to play soccer. It feels protected; the girls look healthy. Mishou has grown, as well as Manoushka and Islande. Well, they’ve all grown!

We are so happy to be here in Hinche once more — safe and satisfied.

A Double Birthday Blessing by Kalle Sousana

            We went out for dinner on Mother’s Day with a bunch of my husband, Jesse’s, relatives - a party of 13 at an Italian restaurant in North Beach.  On the way home in the car, around 8 pm, I had a few long cramps.  I knew things were starting.  The next day I felt like I was going to have a big period - just crampy.  I had an appointment to see Maria so we trekked over there on Muni from our house in Central Sunset.  She and I both felt there was no way I’d be in to see her the following Monday - the baby would come before that!  After the appointment we came straight home. 

            That night I had a few more cramps but I was able to sleep the whole night.  On Tuesday Jesse had the day off.  I slept in and then he and I went down to Ocean Beach and took a walk.  I really felt like I was about to pop.  We didn’t walk very long, just along the sand for about 20 minutes up and back.  I insisted that we lean over and at least touch the ocean with our hands for the cosmic energy.  It was romantic.  Then we went to Trouble Coffee and got coconuts and ran into one of Jesse’s friends.  It was the nicest day, because usually on Tuesdays we are with Miles, our three-year-old, but we actually got to spend a good portion of the day alone since Jesse’s mother was staying with us and caring for Miles.  When we got home I took a nap.  Jesse went off to get a shave.  That night I called the doula, Lauren, because I was experiencing contractions, but they weren’t very strong.  She came over at 7 PM and walked with us on a good 45 minute walk in the woods (Golden Gate Park), then back at the house led us in some stretching. 

            During the stretching I started to cry - it was an emotional release due to some sadness that suddenly bubbled up in me from a family problem, and I felt so open and vulnerable, and yet I know I had to get through that sorrow as part of the process of labor starting.  At 9:30 I went to bed and slept the whole night, although I was experiencing mild contractions throughout.   On Wednesday, Jesse went in to work and with Beth (Jesse’s mom), Miles and Bubby (Jesse’s grandmother) I went to the mall.  As we walked around the mall I was feeling fairly nauseated and tired and having, yes, mild contractions.  I tried to act like nothing was really going on but I felt crummy and just wanted to be at home.  Because this was my second birth, I thought things might never get more intense and painful than these type of easy contractions.  My body can just open right up easily, right?  Haha!

            We had dinner and then as we were watching TV things started to ramp up.  Around 9 PM we started timing the contractions, writing them down, as they were finally, steadily coming every ten or fifteen minutes, sometimes every 7 minutes.  I tried to go to bed, but they were getting stronger so I realized this was probably it, and that the baby would have the same birthday as Jesse (Thursday May 16)!  At 11:30 PM I called Lauren (doula) to say they were about seven minutes apart.  Then we stopped timing for awhile, on her advice, since this was still early labor.  The birth tub was assembled in the living room, so around 1:45 AM when Lauren came over, Jesse and Beth got the tarp spread out under the tub and then started filling it.  Bubby woke up and came upstairs to help out. 

            Miles woke up with all the commotion and came to see me in the bedroom where I was laying on the bed with Lauren nearby, timing and keeping me company.  The contractions were going short, short, long.  Kind of a pattern.  I was handling it okay.  There was a lot of excited energy in the house, and Miles sensed this.  He got into the bed next to me and snuggled, but soon we encouraged him to go back to his room.  Then Jesse told him, “Your baby brother will be born today,” and he looked at me with the widest eyes and asked, “My baby brother will be here today?” and I nodded, and he seemed to get it, and then he turned completely zany for a few hours, and started chatting rapidly.  Beth and Bubby took him downstairs and he finally settled down.  Beth took some hot chocolate down and I’ll never forget hearing him shrieking, “I like hot chocolate!” in his most exhausted, shrill little voice.  He passed out eventually.    Meanwhile I was still contracting while laying on my side on the bed, and Jesse was laying next to me rubbing my back and applying pressure to my earlobes, and Lauren kept bringing me water and gave me some homeopathic remedies for calm (pulsatilla was one).  They seemed to work.  We laid there in the dark and I just tried to breathe through the contractions.  I got into the shower by myself for maybe 20 minutes and was singing “Wagon Wheel” to myself with the contractions, then when I got out Lauren had me get into an upside-down position with my knees on the sofa and my arms on the floor to see if we could get the baby to turn, since he had been posterior, although I did not experience back labor so maybe he (the baby) had already turned.  I stayed that way for two contractions. 

            All night long I was waiting for the right time to get in the tub!  Lauren said I was not in active labor yet, and if I got in the tub too soon it could slow things down.  The tub was the promise, the reward, and it became my point of focus.  I also kept waiting for a bloody show and/or for my waters to break, and these things didn’t happen, so it made me question if I were actually progressing.  Lauren also added that I could not get in the tub until Maria arrived.  It was seeming to take so long.  Things were getting stronger and I was whining and flipping out a bit.  Finally it got to be near dawn, and Lauren made me some scrambled eggs and toast.  She acted like this was normal, like we were going to sit at the table and just eat breakfast, no big deal.  I did like her calm manner and she was so crucial throughout, but at the time I was thinking, What’s the matter, she’s acting like nothing is happening, hello!!  The contractions seemed to be much closer now.  I got in the shower again and sat on the toilet a bit, too, holding Lauren’s hands. 

            When I got out it must have been about 6:30 AM and Lauren said she was going to page Maria.  Then I knew we were getting closer.  I felt so much immense pressure down low, like I was going to split open.  It was massive and a different feeling from my first labor, more intense.  I’d already thrown up twice.  I sat on the toilet during a few contractions and peed.  Finally Maria arrived, possibly around 7:15 AM.  I was sitting on the couch and she checked me and said I was dilated to 7 or 8 cm.  Actually, I frowned and felt dismal right then because I was hoping I was already fully dilated.  But, she said I could get in the tub then, so I did that immediately.  Woohoo! Oh, it was so warm and felt great.  It did alleviate the pain at first, since it was hotter than it was supposed to be - 102 degrees.  Maria had Jesse dump a few pots of cold water in it to get it back down to 100, a safer temperature for the baby.  When it was cooled down just a touch, it was no longer as comforting, and I felt the same amount of pain as before.  So then I thought, well there’s no point in being in here!  I began to feel rectal pressure and the urge to bear down during contractions.   I was sitting on my knees and supporting my weight on my arms, and resting my head on the side of the tub in between.  I was nearly fully asleep in between, and the water was making me hot and sweaty.  I felt like I had no energy. 

            Maria came over and gave me homeopathic black cohosh to give me “some extra oomph” she said.  I said I don’t think I need these to be any stronger, you know!  It’s because I’d used cohosh during my first labor and it had helped the labor get going that she thought cohosh would give me some strength through the final part.  So, I took those under my tongue and pretty soon after that I decided to get out of the water and hop onto the birth stool.  I sat on it and Jesse sat behind me and supported me.  Maria checked me and said I was fully dilated.  I began to push and he was born in about five contractions, it seemed.  My sac came out intact - Maria said for me to reach down and I could feel the bulging bag of waters coming out of me.  The pushing was intense and I really felt like I was going to split in half or break apart, the sensation was so powerful.  I even may have said so out loud, because Lauren reminded me, “You are safe, and you are not going to split in two.”  With two good pushes, his head was born, and with the next push, I think his body was born, and he came out so smoothly I could feel it.  It was about 15 minutes in all.

            It was such a different experience from my first labor when I was not even aware of when the contractions were during the pushing, and pushing was much longer, and the midwife was commanding me when and how hard to push.   I only tore a tiny bit this time, too, which I’m glad about - the recovery has been easier.  Anyway, he came out “in the caul” and was born on his father’s birthday.  We saved and dried the sac, and some day I can tell him the story.  He weighed 9 pounds 3 oz.  He began crying immediately and cried for about 10 minutes straight.   The name “Arieh” means lion in Hebrew and Jesse has taken to calling him “that booby lion.”  Beth stood by during the birth and took video and a few pictures. 

            Despite Miles’s enthusiasm for watching birth videos and discussing the placenta (“a placenta is like a robot!”), Miles was not present for the birth, and came upstairs afterwards right when it was over and the cord was still pulsing.  We asked him if he wanted to help cut the cord and he groggily said no and backed away.  Well, I had expected a faster, shorter, easier labor and though this was marginally shorter than my first time (9 hours versus 15 hours), it was not any easier except for the pushing, and the pain was in fact possibly worse.  (Probably because this baby was substantially larger - Miles was 7 lbs 10 oz, so Arieh had a good pound and a half on him.)  I did not cope with hypnosis or any relaxation techniques - I definitely spent contractions fixated on the level of pain I was feeling, but with each contraction I reminded myself I had one less to go.  However, it was a glorious experience nonetheless and went just about perfectly.  I would not change a thing about it!  Being able to climb in my own bed soon afterward, and have a celebratory birthday dinner that very same night in our own home, was priceless.  

I Never Said... by Holly Pepper

   "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  -- Mae West 

   I became interested in natural birthing after my sisters' births but I didn't know if it would be an option for me.  I am a type 1 diabetic so my pregnancy is considered "high risk."  I use that term in quotations because I have tightly controlled my diabetes since I was diagnosed at age 8 and never let diabetes stop me from doing something.  Exercise, eating healthy, and frequent blood sugar checks are my daily routine.  

   

   However, the next question is: will anyone consider me low risk enough for a natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth.  My doctors lumped me in the category of all other diabetics: type 1 and 2, poorly or tightly controlled, complications or not.  I felt labeled.  I found Maria, someone who finally listened to my story and believed the same thing---As long as my blood sugars are in control, my insulin dosing is sufficient, I'm just like any low risk woman.  With the artificial insulin in my body, I am a normal functioning body....a little more complicated to achieve, but still normal.  She agreed with this after meeting me and so the journey began.

 ~~~~ 

   

   I was 39.5 weeks and having mild contractions throughout the day starting on Friday. Nothing strong, nothing noting birth was imminent. When I had my last non-stress test, the RN noticed contractions on the strip and I also felt them. In the 20 minute strip, I had 3. Later I asked my doctor what this meant and she said, no it could still be weeks off.  Hearing this, I didn't get excited and just went on with the day. I was getting a bit anxious because the doctors were recommending induction at 37 weeks due to it being the standard with diabetics (every single diabetic regardless of control throughout pregnancy).  Beckett was kicking a lot less in the last week and I was worried about going longer and each day I questioned if I was doing the right thing by letting my body do the work. Also he hadn't dropped as of my last appointment, so this was another reason why I didn't think it was close. We had an appointment with Maria on Monday and were planning on talking about natural induction methods. 4 days leading up to the delivery day, I took long walks (3 miles was all I could do comfortably), had sex, and did lunges and stretches trying to get my body warmed up. Anticipation was building but still needed to keep in mind it could be some time away.

   

   Sunday night, November 4th, I was sitting on the couch reading a book after talking with a friend about very mild contractions I'd been having since Friday. Nothing to note though, I told her, it still would be a while away. After hanging up, at 8 o'clock my first real contraction hit me. Hit me it did. Out of the blue per-say, it was pretty painful. "Wow was that a contraction?" Then 4 minutes later, another one came, same intensity. I told Mark and really didn't think this was labor, cause labor should start gradually and not be so intense. 

   

   After about 20 minutes of regular contractions, I started thinking maybe this is the real deal. I started making popcorn on the stove top to snack on and Mark wanted to run to Whole Foods to pick up stuff for the labor.  I was expecting a 24 hour birth so we had time, right?  While Mark was away, I was still having very regular contractions. I called Maria to say I was having contractions 4 minutes apart, lasting 30 seconds, and had been going on for 1 hour and they were very strong. She said something like, "in my experience, if all three components are not in place, this is still early labor. It sounds like you're definitely in the early stages and should prepare for delivering soon. Go to bed, get some rest and call me back when all three are in place. I'm going to go to bed now and I will expect a call when you're there, probably in the morning." I hung up and was excited yet scared cause the contractions were already so heavy. 

   

   Here we go, this is it. There was no way I was falling asleep tonight either, the contractions were coming regularly and had a strong urge to pace. So no laying down. I started to pop the second batch of popcorn and by the time it was done popping, my pacing became very necessary to deal with the pain and couldn't finish. Mark was back from Whole Foods and started setting up the birthing tub. The birthing tub itself was easy for Mark to set up but the issue came when it needed to be filled with water. Our sink and the hose were not compatible even with the adapter that came with the tub. Mark tried to rig it with a funnel and that didn't work and leaked all over the floor. Water was not even covering the bottom of the tub an hour after starting to fill it. Mark told me "you might not have the tub for the birth." This was not okay, I was having so much pain already.  I told that I absolutely needed it and to start filling up buckets if he needed to.

   

   An hour and a half after the first call to Maria, Mark called her back saying I was at 4-1-1 legitimately. They were about 3-4 minutes apart, intense and some came back to back without any rest period which made counting difficult and managing the pain. I felt like I'd prepared myself for a birth of increasing intensity starting out slowly and mildly and working my way up to the final show.  This I felt was not right.  I needed more rest periods.  In my birth prep, I planned to have my confidence and energy restored in the breaks between contractions.  With this type of labor, I felt lost and had a hard time coping.  I was scared about it getting even more painful. In other related news, Mark was still filling up the tub and it was slow going. I looked over and the bottom was still not even covered.

   Maria came at 11:40. She came in, gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing. "This is exactly what we wanted, you to go into labor naturally." (We were going to talk about inducing labor naturally the next morning at our appointment) She asked me to get into the shower and that was the best thing cause it separated me from the commotion, allowed me to focus deeply, and was very calming to my contractions. I stayed in there for over 30 minutes and honestly didn't want to get out but I started to get hot and felt a bit glutinous using all that water. After I got out, I sat in the rocking chair and closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the chair. I was getting waves of nausea and then did actually throw up and felt better. Then sitting on the glider, Maria got me to focus on each contraction, not think about the next one, but just get deeper with my energy. The pain was mounting and the contractions were unrelenting going to a peak then 1/2 way back down and then back up again for 3-4 times. Then after this cycle, I'd get a break. My contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and 1 minute long at 1:20am. Scared again of this pain mounting throughout the night. I didn't dose off but I was able to manage the pain slightly. I kept having to run to the bathroom with feelings of pressure and urge to poop often and would just end up sitting on the toilet, doing nothing productive.

   

   About 2am, I got into the tub finally since it was partially full. As I did, I immediately started squatting and very mild relief came. The buoyancy of the water was the best thing and I felt I could really open up my pelvis. The water temp was warm though it read at 99. Just after getting in, my water broke spontaneously with a literal 'popping' sound underneath the water and then a gush into the water. There was no meconium and only vernix and blood. Good signs. Feeling like I was making some headway and things were really happening. Though I was still for sure in the Fight or flight adrenaline mode of "running away from the bear."

   

   Progress was made by my water breaking, but hearing that I was only two centimeters dilated, I literally, literally couldn't believe it.  WHAT?! This is where I started to flip out. I started talking about going to the hospital and needing pain medication---this was out of control. If I was at 2 cm, what would 10 feel like?! I cannot deal with a more intense pain than this. I understand mental focus and how important it is but I couldn't focus enough to think this way.  Maria started to say that another woman who birthed recently told her that the intensity didn't really get much worse and she was so scared of the pain of 10cm but that the pain plateaued and just continued until full dilation.  Those words were very important for me to hear, even though in the back of my head, I felt like it was just a story to help calm me down. However, I trusted that it could possibly be true. 

   

   Eating ice chips and drinking lots of water, I was not hungry. My blood sugar was trending up at this point so I didn't feel hungry. Before my blood sugars had been 70-100 and now they were 120-130 from all the adrenaline and labor hormones. Mark was giving me boluses of insulin through my insulin pump to aggressively manage it now before it got out of control. The pain was unbearable and I was constantly fidgeting and saying I couldn't do it. I started to say I needed to go to the hospital that I was in too much pain. Maria told me to focus on each contraction, not think about the next. At one point when I said I wanted to go to the hospital, Maria said lets give it 30 minutes and we'll re-evaluate. I never asked again, this was very clever! Mark was great this whole time and was saying you can do it, which I remembering repeating back, I CAN'T do it. Finally got into a rhythm and said I can do it. Holding his hands for each contraction was just what I needed and felt he could do nothing else to help me.

   

    At 3:35, one hour and 20 minutes after being checked at 2 cm, I felt the urge to push. It was like a powerful reflex that my abdomen just clenched with a tremendous force. I pushed, I shouted. Maria needed to check me again b/c pushing without being fully dilated could cause swelling and potentially very bad. So she checked me again and I was now 9.5 cm! Whoa! Less than 1.5 hours and had gone from 2 cm to 9.5, this was the most glorious, relieving news I could have ever heard. I had made great progress and also this race was nearing the finish.  Mile 22 of the marathon and I could see the finish line. I was finally going to get to meet my baby and realized it was only a bit away. What a relief. 

Maria needed to call the other midwife, Sue Balen. I kept pushing with the urges. Sue arrived shortly after being called at 4am, my eyes were closed and I welcomed her without looking at her.  Little progress was being made so I needed other pushing positions. After 20 minutes of various positions on the birthing stool, there was little progress so we then moved to the bed.

    

   The bed was not much better but did allow for another set of positions. It felt like I was doing something wrong or for some reason he was stuck. With each contraction, I pushed as hard as I could and then he'd slip back in. I asked if there was something else I could do. At some point, Mark said he could see the head which was a great sign of progress and I just kept trekking to the end. 

   

    Getting close was so exciting. I never did feel the 'ring of fire' and pushed out his head with a big push. The cord was wrapped around his head twice and Maria told me not to push until she got it off.  I then pushed his body out and he was placed on my abdomen. He felt like a warm fish and started crying right away and I took him up on my chest. I started to cry out, "my baby, we did it!!!" again and again.  We waited for the cord to stop pulsating and then Mark cut the cord. My placenta came out quickly afterwards and bleeding was controlled with quick massage.

 

   The feeling of being done with labor and having a small baby to cuddle with was quite spectacular.  Seeing Mark falling in love with our little one was paramount.  After a couple of phone calls to family, I walked in to seeing my husband sleeping with our baby on his chest---something I'll never forget.  Our homebirth is something I was so fortunate to experience thanks to Maria and Sue!    

Turned Tables

This Saturday, June 8^th,2013, Holly Pepper and I will participate in the See Jane Run Half Marathon.

I'm a first-timer.

I’m nervous.

So, I’ve been preparing. Perhaps for 9 months. In the first few months, I was fatigued, sore, maybe even a little nauseated if I jogged a long way without any food. The next 3 months were easier. I settled into a routine, using the C25K phone app, then the C210K phone app, then the 13.1 mile prep. I was just jogging along at my own pace, most of the time not really noticing that I was in training. But, these last 3 months have been more difficult. Aches and pains come and go; I need to see Darci for chiropractic care every few weeks. My knee has been aching after about 9 miles of jogging. I rest, put ice on it. My back hurts sometimes. I waddle.

But now, we’re here. In the zone and the big day is coming due on Saturday!

I’m mostly excited. I feel that I have been mentally preparing myself for months. Elizabeth Rutherfurd says that you need to go out on “Confidence Building Runs.” So, I do that. I’ve taken classes, Pilates and yoga. I read books, talked to others who have done it before. I think I can do it.

But there’s self doubt too. My clients who know I’m about to do this admonish me. “But, Maria, of course you can do it. Just do what you tell us to do in birth.” Pace yourself. Don’t go out sprinting. Drink and eat. Pee. Know that there will be moments when you are going to hit the wall and that is when your team will step in to help you. Holly Pepper is my half marathon doula. She’s done so many before! She’s even finished 3 Ironman races (what??). She runs halves and full marathons, even a 34 mile race (what??). She’s done triathlons and climbed Half Done full-on pregnant. And, she’s a Type 1 Diabetic. So, everyone is telling her she can’t or she shouldn’t be doing those things. She had a baby at home. She is my perfect doula. I imagine her by my side the whole time.

Dina will be there too. On the sidelines, cheering me on with hydration, gu shots and encouraging words. Who knows, maybe I’ll even stop for a quick back massage at some point. I know a Half-Marathon is not really a big deal, but for me, I’ll be checking it off my bucket list if I actually finish.

Will I make it? Will it be painful? What will the pain feel like? Will I be able to breathe through it? Will I give up/wimp out? And how will that feel if I do?

Or, will I will myself to the finish line? Will I find the inner strength to keep going? Will I throw up on the side of the road and wipe myself off? What will it feel like to cross the finish line?

I can only hope that in the midst of my travail, I will remember you.

I want to remember Amanda O’Grady: so in the zone and capable of going on for hours.

I want to remember Melanie Holt and how she turned into a mama polar bear, full of power and determination.

I want to remember Adryon Burton Denmark and her patience through the long night (Am I really only 2 miles into this?)

I want to remember Karen Martinez and Grace De La Cruz – both inspirations for speed and joy (but maybe I’ll get to those feelings on my second or third time around.)

I want to remember Gillian Bowley and her trust in the process. AND her openness to becoming a different person. For her, she became groovy. I want to become an athlete.

You all inspire me. I can only hope that I can remember your faces while I’m jogging along. Heck, if you did it for 2 hours, 4 hours, 48 hours, 58 hours, I can at least make it through a 3 hour, self-inflicted, women-centered celebration of life.

I picked up my race packet today. My birth tub is in my garage. I think I’ll set it up for afterwards.

Lucy Enters the World by G.B.

I’d been having some subtle signs that our baby would come: sleepless nights full of contractions.  Visits from my Dad in my dreams, letting me know we’d all be safe, that we were being looked after as we entered this new phase in our lives.

I had an urge to be together as a family on Sunday.  Instead of going to yoga (sorry, Jane!), I wanted to be with my family, quietly together.  I remembered this feeling from the Sunday before Maia was born, when Brian and I went on a long, winding, hilly walk around our San Francisco.       

So, we visited Hayes Valley Farm for a picnic.  It rained on our way there, but then as the afternoon went on, the sun shone through the clouds and warmed us.  I thought it would be a perfect evening to have a baby, but I didn’t think it would happen quite yet.  

At the farm, we had tacos from the cob oven, sat on our picnic blanket by the live music and watched the kids dig in the dirt.  We had bike-powered smoothies.  Maia learned how to use scissors in the craft tent after she went on a scavenger hunt (and Vanessa saved her from learning about nettles the hard way).

Walking the slightly hilly mile home, I was really dragging.  How much longer would I be carrying this baby?  I was ready to meet her, and I felt tired, tired, tired.  Maia fell asleep in the stroller on the way home, so I got in bed, put on a hypnobirthing audio track, and had an incredibly deep 2 hour sleep.  

Later, we video chatted with Mimi, ate dinner together, and put Maia down.  She’s been having trouble going to sleep on her own, so I sat in the rocking chair until she fell asleep.  I noticed contractions all evening, but I’d been having on and off contractions for so long at that point, I was hesitant to think this was the real thing.  

I went to bed with my hypnobirthing tracks going, and slept until 1 or 2.  I woke with contractions, and labored in bed for a couple of hours, balloon breathing into my contractions, still thinking I might drift off to sleep and wake up to another usual day in the morning.  Around 4, I noticed I was hungry, and decided to get up and eat something and drink a bunch of water while I still could.  At 5, I decided to send an email to ask someone else to bring lunch to Puddle Jumpers on Tuesday since it was our turn.  When Brian and Maia woke at 6, Brian said he could hear me moaning through contractions in the kitchen, and he knew it was on.  This was about the time my mom was boarding a plane in New York to come to San Francisco, as planned.  I decided not to call her about the labor--it was still early and why worry her on her flight?  We called Brian’s folks at 6:30, and they came and got Maia at about 7am.  While we waited, Maia snuggled with Daddy.  She wasn’t sure about Mommy, and said, “Mommy, stop doing that!”  

Steve picked her up, still in her pajamas and I don’t think she’d even had breakfast yet.  Once Maia was safely in the care of her Noni and Nonu, I got back in bed, put on hypnobirthing, and gave Brian instructions for cleaning the house.  I was grateful that he was vacuuming because I could really let go into the contractions and moan through them without anyone hearing!  But when he turned the vacuum off, I didn’t care who heard me, I just did my thing to get through the contractions.  Still, I said to Brian that I thought the contractions were variable and not building, which is what happened during labor with Maia.  I thought we were in this for the long haul.

At about 8:30, Brian sent a text to Vanessa to tell her we were in early labor, and could she please bring smoothie supplies.  He assured her that it was still early and she didn’t need to stay.  At 9, we called Maria to let her know we were in early labor.  We left a message on her machine, but didn’t think it was time to page her yet.  We also didn’t think it was time to contact Hannah, the apprentice midwife who I was so excited to have attend my birth.  (We did eventually text her, and she arrived just in time to help out tremendously in the hours after Lucy was born.)

Before Vanessa arrived, the surges grew so intense that I needed Brian by my side to get through them.  I told him to stop vacuuming and cleaning, that I needed him here now.  After a while of laboring in bed, Brian by my side, headphones attached to my laptop for my hypnobirthing tracks, I asked Brian how far apart and how long the contractions were.  He replied that I had told him not to time contractions during this labor.  I yelled at him that I wanted to know now!  He said he wasn’t sure.  I started to get really antsy and needed to get up and move to the living room.  He wanted to change the sheets on the bed, but I said no way, I needed him next to me.  I labored leaning over the couch, and during these contractions, which were extremely intense, I felt like the baby was moving down.  This scared me a lot.  I was not ready to have the baby, especially because Vanessa wasn’t there yet and we hadn’t even talked to Maria!  So, I started to push my knees together during the contractions, which is NOT what nature intended and really shifted the contractions to an almost unbearable point.  I was uncomfortable, so we went back to the bed.  I tried to listen to the hypno audio tracks but that was not working for me.  I was beyond being able to focus, things were feeling way out of control, and I needed backup!

I was so incredibly relieved when Vanessa arrived at about 9:30.  When she walked in, I said something like “it hurts” or “I’m scared” or “this is hard.”  I said all of those things during my labor, but I can’t remember which I said first.  She said, “yeah, it hurts because you’re having a baby!”  I think that was the moment I realized that this was really happening, and fast!  I was fully in labor and going to have this baby soon.  She and Brian helped through several contractions.  After a few, she asked what else she could do.  We hadn’t changed the sheets yet, so we decided she would make the bed and Brian and I would move to the living room.  After changing the sheets, she asked Brian if we had talked to Maria, and when we told her no, she got right on the phone and called her.  Maria heard me laboring in the background and told Vanessa that she would arrive in 10-15 minutes.

I was so relieved that Maria was on her way!  The contractions were so intense I felt like my tools were just not enough to me get through, and all I could do was hold on as the surges went through me.  One thing I could do was moan, low and deep, as guttural and animalistic as possible.  I did horse lips and the sticking-tongue-out fire breath thingy to encourage my whole body to stay loose.  But I was moaning so much that my throat began to hurt and I was getting hoarse and I wasn’t sure I was doing it right.  At one point, I turned to Vanessa and said, “Do I sound ok?” which I’m sure was a very strange and funny question, but I had all the advice swirling in my head--let go like an animal, deep moans, sex moans...and I couldn’t make sense of it all in the moment.  At some point, Vanessa told me that I looked just like the women in the movie.  She was talking about the Ina May documentary that we’d seen together a few months earlier.  Really?  That was so incredibly reassuring to me.  I had been feeling totally out of control and kind of in shock that labor was progressing so quickly.  But those women had just looked like they were in labor, so it was really reassuring to know that everything was looking normal.

Maria got here at about 10:30, and I was so relieved.  She told me to just do my thing while she set up.  I was still pretty scared and confused that it was all happening so fast, and I told everyone so.  I was still pressing my knees together during the contractions and Maria said, “It’s going to help if you let your knees go wide.”  I replied with something like, “But then I’ll feel like pushing!  This is happening too fast!  I’m not ready!”  It was such a pure truth from me, but looking back it must have seemed pretty funny to everyone else since I was obviously very close to delivering.  I was also confused that my water hadn’t broken yet.  My water broke very early on with Maia, and I couldn’t believe that I could be so close to delivering without my water breaking, but Vanessa told me her water didn’t break until the very end of her labor.

I moved back into the bedroom, and I was shaking uncontrollably.  I felt completely out of control.  Maria suggested that I put the hypnobirthing tracks back on.  I tried that and all I remember is ripping out the headphones soon after.  That wasn’t working anymore.

Maria checked me and I was 6 or 7 cm dilated.  I figured this meant about 6 more hours of labor-- 2 hours for every cm.  That is not how it went with Maia, but for some reason that’s what I thought at that moment, and I was relieved to have a time frame.  Maria asked if I’d like to get in the tub, but we hadn’t set it up yet.  So, she asked Vanessa to start getting the tub ready, but I was asking, “Is there time?  I don’t think there’s time!”  After a few more contractions in bed, my water broke.  Soon after, I felt like pushing.  Maria checked me again and I was 10 cm, and she told me I could push.  She called Vanessa in (no birth tub after all) and I asked her to take pictures.  On the next contraction, I didn’t push, I was just sort of writhing and confused.  For some reason, I couldn’t connect what Maria told me to do with actual pushing.  So, Maria got very close to me and said, “Your baby is almost here.  On your next surge, all you need to do is take a deep breath and push like you’re pooping.”  Oh, I know how to do that!   And sure enough, the greatest feeling in the world, pushing my baby out.  One push, she’s almost here!  Two pushes, she’s crowning!  Reach down and feel your baby’s head!  Three pushes, her head is out!~  I don’t think I pushed again, maybe I did, I just know that Maria told me to reach down, and I did, and I caught my baby and put her on my chest!

Relief, elation, disbelief...a perfect, healthy baby girl resting in my arms.  

Lucy Patricia Cavagnolo was born on May 6, 2013 at 11:12 am on a sunny Monday morning in our bedroom.

My second pregnancy, labor and delivery extended all the things I’d learned the first time around.  To let go of my particular brand of fears by letting people into my life and my experiences.  To be groovy.  To ask for what I need.  To tell the truth, like “it hurts, I’m scared”, or “this is hard.”  That I am not in control, but I can practice how to be present with discomfort.  That I can’t get through the discomfort alone.  That choosing love~ of myself, my family, my friends~ is the most difficult, rewarding choice I can make.

Welcome, Lucy, we love you.