Wayana Kamalah Lioneye Ra

i have 2 children - my birthstory is in 3 parts...

part 1 - kayenn
i knew exactly when i became pregnant with my son, kayenn, 4 years ago...i had felt his presence for quite some time & when my partner & i decided to make him the conception was the strongest power i have ever felt - i knew exactly the moment we conceived him & it took only one try - the decision for him to be born was truly destiny...the pregnancy was wonderful, i surprised myself by becoming almost a recluse - i stopped traveling, i barely danced (when dancing is one of my natural talents & religion); i sang throughout the whole pregnancy...things between my partner & i became increasingly hostile so i went to my mother's - i thought this pregnancy can be the healing between us - she is a mother & the pregnancy may naturally heal our strange relationship...long story short - i went into labor on my due date, april 17th, 2005, around 10am...my partner happened to be visiting...i began walking, singing, practicing yoga, soaking in baths, talking to baby - following my nature & feeling spirit move through my body...i also quickly noticed that everyone around me was panicking - they wanted me to go to the hospital, they wouldn't walk outside in the beautiful spring air with me, no one would cook for me...i continued to breathe & pray for the guides who were supporting me so powerfully to call to everyone's guides & assist them as well...over the next 3 days my mother drove me to the hospital 3 times - by 7am wednesday morning i had dilated to 2cm...my partner decided to return to new york upon this news & i felt time stop...when he said he was leaving i understood the phrase 'time stood still'...i couldn't believe it...he called a cab & i was left with my mother sitting across the room from me...suddenly i didn't her, & i didn't want her in the room, but i didn't say anything...kayenn was going to be born - this was my birth & i didn't feel safe! i felt cold & nervous...i was surrounded by strangers...rewind - i saw one midwife throughout my entire pregnancy - we met when i was 12 weeks pregnant & she was cool - experienced, a cnm, & she let me be pregnant - she gave me choices & explained procedures as i grew & the birth approached...kayenn had been in a healthy birth position from seven months - going into labor everything seemed perfect...forward to the birth - by 5pm i had dilated to 3cm...a midwife who i had met for about 1 minute at a 'meet the midwives' gathering replaced her...about 1 hour later a different midwife entered the room because the first was going off duty - i froze; at the meet & greet she was the one i hated! she told me during her births she preferred to be left alone & would have given birth in a closet if she had it her way...when she entered the room i immediately wanted to be in water - the doula ran me a luke warm bath & i stayed in for only a few minutes - the water was too cold...no one held my hand, my mother sat next to the bed reading a book & my sister stopped by to tell us all that she was too stressed & was going for coffee...i had no idea what to do...i rocked, i sounded, i tried to sleep...the nurses offered me a sedative to help me rest & asked if i wanted to be alone - i agreed...i slept for 2 hours & when i awoke, alone with one nurse present, we discovered i had dilated to 8 cm! at that point she asked if she could break the bag of waters, suggesting that it might keep things moving - i agreed...the waters flowed green, kayenn was under stress, after all i had been having quite strong contractions for 4 days...to add to the tension, upon checking his presentation we discovered that his postion has turned posterior...2 more hours passed and the nurse-midwife said i would have to consider another birth option = cesarean...rewind - to my surprise, my last prenatal visit was with a doctor - a man...my midwife was attending a birth & he was the healthcare provider present at the office - when i saw him i knew he would be at my birth...fast forward/back at the birth...after hearing the word cesarean i got out of bed - i walked, i squatted, i rocked, i tried to cry but i was to scared...if i were a wolf i would have run away & found a cave...but here i was stuck & my little kayenn was in stress...i agreed to the surgery, & i felt i had failed...i felt my hopes die, i felt my dreams die, i felt weak & thought this is what everyone else wanted for me - except me, & i lost...

i had the epidural, they took me to the operating room & at 11.06 pm, april 20, 2005 kayenn was born - he cried & sounded healthy - i didn't feel anything but pure fear & very cold - i gave birth to numbness...i gave birth to confusion...i gave birth to a stranger that i would have to believe was my baby because he was who they gave me...i looke at this little creature - he didn't look familiar, but i said he was beautiful...they took him somewhere & took me someplace else - my mother went with kayenn, she held him before i did, many people held him before i did...i was wheeled into a room to wait until the epidural wore off enough for me to feel my toes, in a room with a woman having a reaction to something totally unrelated to birth - the nurse pulled a curtain to separate us, but i could still hear her moaning...i kept asking for my baby, but i was told to wait until i had more sensitivity...why couldn't i even just be in the same room as kayenn?!!! finally, 1 hour later they brought him to me - he was clean, wrapped tightly & my mother gave him to me... i warmed a little when i saw him, i stopped shaking - i had been shaking/shivering since the epidural shot...i unwrapped kayenn & opened my gown & wrapped us both in a blanket - a nurse wrapped him back up & told me to keep him warm & tight - i wanted to slap the bitch at that point...i put kayenn to my breast & he latched on & began suckling immediatley - i remember thinking things will get better...we were wheeled to a private room where we rested for 2 hours, then they needed my bed, the room & i had to GET UP & MOVE TO ANOTHER BED, AFTER BEING CUT OPEN 2 1/2 HOURS EARLIER!!! i was in hell...once in another room, a quiet room i wrapped kayenn tightly to me & we both slept a little...

part II - wayana

wayana was our parting gift - my partner & i decided to no longer see each other, but agreed to be the best parents to kayenn...to bind our decision we decided to join physical forces in love one more time, as that was our only balanced time - wayana was conceived - it felt stronger than kayenn's conception, & it was with with a condom...i knew i had conceived because my partner held me so tightly afterwards, i could not pry him away, it was storming outside & my car got towed - it was like that...things got worse between us, he didn't want another child with me, after all we were breaking up, but i was mothering, loving it!, & naturally i thought that kayenn would have a blood sibling - i would keep it...i moved out with kayenn, & began to grow in ways i had only dreamed about...i loved dancing this time, i performed again, i wrote, i sang, i worked, i was living pregnant & kayenn was in love with my belly...he told me early on that his sister was coming...i did not see a care provider until i was 7 mos pregnant - i listened to my spirit, felt my baby, sang to her, dreamed of her & listened to her...i didn't read a single birth book, i listened to mostly reggae & made incredible love to myself almost daily, & in my 7th month of pregnancy, i moved from new york city to san francisco - alone with kayenn...i didn't tell anyone - i just moved - wayana told me to move...i was offered a job & i took it - it would take me to a new place, far away from the indecisiveness, shame & guilt that held me so tightly...i spent 2 months walking sf hills, eating amazing mexican & indian food, meeting wonderful, loving strangers, feeling support for the first time...i found maria iorillo because another midwife i interviewed suggested i meet another to have a choice...i give thanks & praise...1 month to the day before giving birth a friend, kenneth bryan smith, moved to san francisco to help me with my son & the new baby...kenny is my friend...he would take kayenn when i was tired, he called me everyday or came to see us everyday - & wayana was born on kenny's birthday - january 6, 2008...on this amazing day, in the middle of thunderstorms, i awoke at 5 am feeling like i was going to get my period - gentle waves swayed in my belly...i dreamed wayana was calling me - 'mama, mama... i woke rubbing my belly...i knew she would come that day, & at 6.30 am i called maria to tell her i was beginning labor...the rushes were about 6-8 minutes apart...i got up, took a warm shower, put on my reggae music & my favorite senegalese robe & made tea...i felt beautiful, i looked beautiful & i was excited that i was home...i called kenny at 9 am to tell him i was in labor, he lived around the corner & at 9.20 he rang my bell - he came in like a dust devil, got kayenn dressed & took him out for the day...i cleaned my space, prepared my bed & felt universal expansion within every cell...maria came over around 10 am with her bag of tricks & check me - i was dilated to 2 cm - alright...she would check with me periodically throughout the day...i slept, i danced, i sang, i meditated, i called no one...kenny returned later with kayenn, dvds & 3 burritos - yum...my phone usually rings off the hook, no one called that day...the rushes began to come on stronger in the evening, & around 9 pm maria came to stay with me, but upon checking me i was only around 4 cm...kenny was tending kayenn, so i had space to feel...i walked, i rocked, i wanted to hug maria, but she allowed me only so much dependency - & i felt her strength...maria imbued me with confidence - something about maria was telling me that she knew i was going to have this baby naturally here in my home space tonight! around midnight i began to question my decision to have a home birth, & maria was getting tired...she called in a second midwife for support & my doula arrived from another birth...i was afraid of the power - i hadn't felt it like this in kayenn's birth...i was afraid that i would come apart - even though i had to - i know now that coming apart is a part of the process...someplace in the middle of this birth i realized that i did not know how to do this - i was acting against the birth process - literally & emotionally...i had a mental idea of what it should look, sound, smell, be like...after some hours maria checked me again, i had been at 9 cm for 4 hours...she said to me, 'some babies can come through at 9 cm, but yours will not, sokhna...sokhna, you are going to have to fight to bring this baby out...go into the bathroom, get in the shower & work it out..."so i did...i went in the cold bathroom alone & remembered every cold detail of kayenn's birth...i wondered if i could get to the hospital on time to have an emergency c-section & i began to cry...& as i cried i had to go to the bathroom - i sat on the toilet & the rushes came down like nothing i can explain - but they didn't hurt - it was just POWER! i got in the shower & let the water meet my tears & something within me said - 'this is the process sokhna, open to the process, open to the process'...that was the light...my mantra became 'this is the process', & i returned to the bedroom...maria took my hands, looked me in the eyes & said "this is the process, sokhna..." i knew i was on my way...i rocked, squatted & allowed...maria checked me again & i was softening enough for maria to open the cervix the rest of the way...soon enough maria had massaged the cervix completely open & she told me to push...when she said this i filled with brilliance - i wanted to push, i wanted to feel it, i wanted to see wayana...in just a few pushes wayana kamalah lioneye ra was born - i held her as she came out- i looked at this little one & she looked at me & i told her i was her mother...kayenn came over & i saw a baby in him...this natural birth birthed my heart...i suddenly knew what kayenn needed, what i needed & what wayana would need...the placenta came soon after & maria helped me to bed...i really just wanted to look at my 2 babies - to stand over them & beam light, gratitude & promises of infinite love & support...i wanted a natural birth, i had a natural birth & it continues to this day...i am writing my birth story on wayana's 15 month celebration...

part III
the cesarean was potentially a death sentence for me...though i now innerstand that it may have saved my life, no one explained the circumstances around it to me...i just felt like a failure...after the c-section i lost my confidence - i stopped performing, i stopped singing, i left nyc, i dropped everything i had worked so hard for...but when i found out i was pregnant with wayana my pilot was re-ignited...i felt i had been given another chance - but this time i had to approach the birth differently...perhaps i didn't do the smartest thing avoiding medical care, but i followed & trusted nature...i had to go away from everything familiar to have wayana the way i wanted - i had to surrender completely to instinct if i was going to have this vaginal birth after the c-section...

wayana was born & so my heart opened...& this birth has birthed every dormant dream-seed in my wombspace...my work is thriving, my artistry is continuous & overlapping across all of my trades...as a yoga teacher & doula i overstand what my service is, & i am more grateful than ever for my life & all of it's lessons...I OWE MY LIFE TO THE VBAC - & i say this proudly, firmly & reverantly...

my mother passed away dec. 8, 2008 from pancreatic cancer...shortly after giving birth to wayana i moved back to be with my mother & nurse her through her next birth...2008 - no doubt a year of infinity for me - it is all birth, death, rebirth, transitions & allowances...i get it & i owe it all to the vbac - nothing else in this experience could give me the knowledge, strength or grace than having this experience...natural birth is the only experience a female can have that can make her a woman...natural birth of anything! it is all in the process...allow the process - it shall set you free...