The Birth of Evan

  At 40 weeks, Maria said that the baby was still pretty high and recommended to walk. I started to climb Bernal Hill every day and it felt really good! She also recommended to go back to my Zumba classes, which I have been taking until 37 weeks... and she even came with me! :)

I was a bit surprised to reach 41 weeks, on March 22nd. My daughter was born on her exact due date, 3.5 years ago, and I guess I was expecting this baby boy to come out close to the guess time as well. My french due date was actually passed only 2 days ago, so I was then relying on this one. I went for a non-stress at the hospital (Kaiser) on that day and it went very well. An induction was scheduled for the following week.

I was having some mild cramping and had two false start at night during the last few days, so I was optimistic and staying confident that this "false" or "pre" labor was leading somewhere sometime soon - at least before the induction. I was tired though, as it was difficult to sleep through it. That evening, I asked Maria what I could do and she suggested to take a bath and have a glass of wine. That's what I did and the glass of wine was amazing! It took me some time to drink it but I was definitely feeling more relaxed and sleepy. I went to sleep around 11pm.

I woke up at 2:30am and I was having my first 'real' contractions. I felt some leaking so I had to wake up my husband to protect the mattress and the floor so I can stand up and go the bathroom without making a mess (in case my waters would break). I was not able to go back to sleep in between the contractions, and may have been afraid that they could go away if I was falling asleep! I was happy and hopeful to be in labor as I deeply wanted this homebirth. I knew it was real labor because they were not going away even though I was changing positions, eating, etc. I started to time them. At some point I went into the baby's room and labored in there, sending my husband back to sleep. I wanted everyone in the house (including my daughter and in laws) to sleep so I was very quiet.

Everybody started to wake up in the morning and I went back to bed around 8am. I was tired. I was waiting for the contractions to get into a regular and active pattern but this was not really happening. They were sometimes close together but short, some other time further apart but more intense, but I was not getting a 4-1-1 pattern yet. I first called my dear friend and birth doula, Ti, so she knows I was in labor and probably needing her on that day. She told me to call her back when I needed her to come. Then I called Maria, she asked me if I wanted her to come and I wanted to say YES but I knew it was still early and we agreed to stay in touch in the morning.

My daughter left with her grand parents to go to preschool. Maria said to start filling up the birth tub by the phone and Yann did that, but it was a bit more complicated than when we did it before labor started, 'to try it out'. I was getting tired to be on my own as my husband was busy with the tub so I called Ti and asked her to come. When she arrived she helped me to realize that I was still in early labor and that it could be long... which was so difficult to hear! She suggested to stop timing the contractions and focus so much on them, and to go for a walk. I'm glad she suggested that and I wanted to do it, but I was a bit scared to deal with the contractions in the outside world. We went out thinking we'd go one block away from the house. I had a few contractions and was able to manage them. So we decided to go on Cortland Street a few blocks away to the coffee shop. We stopped at the pizzeria because it was smelling good and I had a few bites of a slice, in between two contractions. Then we decided to go up the hill... which I have been doing every day for a week. I was hanging from houses' fences and my husband when I had contractions. I didn't really mind what people could think. I climbed some stairs at the top of the hill and we came back. It took us a long time! The weather was really nice.

When we were almost back home, I know I needed to go to the bathroom. Ti told me that a change could occur after I went to pee. I had a strong contraction on my outside stairs. And indeed, everything changed as soon as I went to the bathroom. Contractions began to be every 3 minutes and at least 1 minute long, there was a clear pattern change as they were stronger and closer apart. Everybody was trying to have a few bites of food in between contractions in the kitchen. We called Maria and asked her to come, she arrived less than 30 minutes later.

Maria checked me and I was 5 centimeters, exactly what I was thinking and hoping for! But she also said that my cervix was thin and soft and that I could dilate easily the next centimeters... I think this few words set up a new tone and direction in my labor. It took me 12 hours to dilate until 5cm, and only 4 hours more after that until the baby was born.

At this point I labored standing up and doing squats when I was having contractions, leaning on my husband or Ti. Ti was massaging me in the back and legs and it felt great. Then something strange and very pleasant happened. I felt like a hormone rush and very confident. The beginning of a contraction was painful, then I was working hard on relaxing my pelvis and cervix as much as I could, until reaching a point in physical relaxation that was making the pain disappear, making me feel so powerful and happy! I was laughing, in the middle of the contraction, kind of a laugh and cry at the same time, because it was so good!! I was working with my body, with my baby, and everything was in harmony. I was feeling the pressure and the baby coming down at each contraction.

I started to feel tired on my legs and moved into the bed. One contraction later I was feeling hot and cold, a bit dizzy and nauseous. I almost threw up but didn't (which was one of my fears, with tearing, though at the moment I was okay with it!). I thought I was in transition because it was exactly how I felt when I was in transition during the labor of my first child. Then I decided to lay down in the bed, on my side. I wanted to rest, but it took me a few contractions to feel okay dealing with the contractions in this position. I think Maria checked me again to see if it was a good time to go in the pool. I was 8-9 centimeters.

I went into the pool and it felt AMAZING! I didn't want to work anymore! I just wanted to relax and enjoy the sensations of being in the water... Contractions slowed down. Maria encouraged me to go back into a squat position, in the tub, and I was reluctant because I knew it would bring more pain and stronger contractions. It took me a little while but I did it and it definitely brought back strong contractions. Then Maria checked me again and I was fully dilated. She could feel the bag of waters and I asked to break it to facilitate the pushing phase... she managed doing it in the water with her fingers. I was getting impatient, and scared. It turns out this baby was bigger than my first one (8lb6oz over 7lb10oz) and I could feel stronger sensations/pressure while the baby was descending. I couldn't see the pushing phase coming. I was asking for help and getting a little bit dramatic... In retrospective I think it was my way to stay connected to my birth team, I needed them to know I was struggling and needed their support, and they all responded to it.

I couldn't feel the pressure and the urge to push in the tub as I probably could have felt it outside. Maria offered to go sit on the toilet and I didn't want to, I wanted to give birth to my baby in the water! I started pushing and I was feeling like I didn't know what I was doing. I was feeling unstable in the tub and asked my husband to come in so he can support me, which he did right away. Finally and very suddenly I felt the head coming and decided to get it out through the same contraction no matter what. I was crowning and asking what to do, my husband I think reminded me to do the horse lips like I told him to... I tried to breathe and relax my jaw which was so difficult... but it was fast and the head was out. I put my hands on his head and felt his hair. Another contraction and the rest of the body came out. My baby boy came on my chest and he looked perfect... He was covered of vernix and so soft! I loved his smell. The pushing phase lasted 23 minutes. My husband was crying, telling me that our son was beautiful.

I was loosing some blood so Maria wanted me out of the water pretty quickly, to know how much I was loosing. Maria clamped the cord and Yann cut it. The second midwife Sue took my baby while I was getting out of the tub to sit on a birthing stool, where I delivered the placenta. Sue gave me my baby back very quickly. I was helped to go in my bed after that. The bleeding stopped quickly and everything was okay. Baby was doing very well. I had 2 stitches first degree and Maria did a great job with it. It was the busiest time for the midwives who were making sure both of us were doing okay and very focused on what they had to do.
Before and after that, they were so relaxed and confident in what was happening! That was very reassuring to me and made me feel everything was normal, reminding me this was a joyful event. My boy latched on on both breasts and was sucking very actively for a while. After about one hour, my daughter came to meet the baby and this was a very strong and emotional moment to me.


A few reflections

Before wanting a homebirth, I wanted midwife care for this pregnancy. I wanted continuous care, choose/know the person who will be there when I give birth, and get some postpartum care (6 visits instead of 1 through the regular hospital care...). When I realized that midwife care was going along with homebirth, I started to think about it, get more information, go to Meet the Midwives at Natural Resources and watch homebirth videos on YouTube. I was already a few months pregnant. After meeting some midwives with my husband (and getting his support about doing it), it suddenly became obvious that it is what I wanted to do.

During the last 2-3 weeks of my pregnancy, I really needed to be surrounded by other women who had a homebirth or where also planning on having one. I needed to hear about their stories in details or share our plans/excitement/concerns when they were expecting too. I have two friends who had a successful homebirths and I wanted to hear again about their stories. I established quick and strong connections with some other women under the care of Maria as well, met through the group that she is facilitating in her office twice a month. At some point I couldn't hear about other people's questions or fears about our birth plans, even coming from close friends or family, I just needed to protect myself and feel part of a community who was sharing the same goals and birth philosophy.

I think women who plan on a homebirth are even more educated about the birth process. Watching many videos is part of the preparation, and I learned so much through them... Can the baby stay safely in the water when the head is out but not the rest of the body? What does the placenta looks like and what are the ways to birth it? What are the best pushing positions to avoid tearing? Also, a homebirth includes material preparation. My midwife gave me a full list of supplies to get ready and believe me, you learn a lot while figuring out why each item is asked for... You need to think about where and how you want to deliver in your home, find a bowl in your kitchen to receive your placenta, buy some plastic tarp to protect your floors and mattress, and so on! You are in charge of your own birth event.

I had a non-medicated birth at the hospital with my first. Although everything went accordingly to my birth plan without any complications, I needed to tell mybirth story as often as possible and probably provided more details than people wanted to hear :) I think I was a bit in shock, because of the intensity of it. It also lasted 30 hours + and I was exhausted at the end. Whatever is the reason, I do not feel the same about this birth. I feel much more at peace with it. I needed to ask a few questions to Maria and to Ti a few days after the birth, but that's about it. It don't feel able to relate the simplicity of the story. I feel like I'm sharing a secret with the people who were there. They know.

It looks like I was very suggestible during this birth. When Ti told me to expect a possible change when we came back home after the walk and going to pee, my contractions began suddenly much stronger and closer, Ti called Maria within 10 minutes after that. When Maria checked on me the first time, she said I was 5 cm and that my cervix was so thin and ready that I could dilate very fast if I wanted to - and it took me 'only' a few hours to be complete. When Maria told me that the head would be out a 'handful of contractions' later, I almost got angry at her because I didn't want her to give me false expectations or hope... but only one contraction later the head was out! I don't think these are coincidences. I think I had so much faith, love and respect for all the people around me that they were really able to influence me - my labor and my body. Considerably! Trusted people and familiar environment are invaluable.

Midwives are amazing. They know exactly what to do and what to say, at the exact right time, to help you get going, reassure you, or just help you to keep trusting your body. They are not necessarily talking or doing that much... but when you need them they are here! A few times during the pushing phase I screamed "Mariaaaaaaaaa, help me!' and she did. They have a very safe presence and never give you the feeling that they know better than you what is going on. They let you take the lead so you feel powerful and able to push this baby out.

Someone asked me if there were some disadvantages of giving birth at home. I would say:
- there is quite some work to do during the first few days after birth for the dad, in terms of cleaning up (doing laundry to wash the sheets and the towels), especially if it was a water birth, and you can't really wait and let this sit for a while ;)
- it is wise to make plans ahead for the first few days: since you are at home and more likely walking fine, people around (or yourself!) may start doing things on day one that nobody would expect you to do if you were in a hospital... it was almost like nothing happened and I realized it was wrong, I was not ready to go back to 'normal' life especially with a toddler around, so I forced myself to take the time to heal, recover, and enjoy those precious few days (but I wish I had envisioned it ahead of time)
- financially: since we are at Kaiser, we had to pay out of the pocket all costs (somewhere around $5000). We have no regrets at all, of course, but that's an aspect to consider.

Sekou's Birth by Fiona

 

On the night of the 4th of December I was 41 weeks pregnant. We lay in bed and Nancy, my partner, searched the Internet for ways to induce labor. I was scheduled for a “no stress test” at the hospital the following day to be sure our little one was healthy inside me. Nancy found an article on nipple stimulation that suggested if you stimulate your nipples for 45 minutes then with in 48 hours labor is likely. We tried this and within fifteen minutes I was in labor.

At 9:44 pm I said, “I think this is what a contraction feels like.” It felt like a mild to moderate menstrual cramp. The cramps continued varying in length from one minute to three minutes. The resting time between contractions varied from six to ten minutes. Nancy kept track of my contractions in a little book documenting the frequency and intensity. We called our Midwife Maria and informed her that we were in labor. Maria told us to call her when the contractions were four minutes apart one minute long and in that pattern for an hour. “In the mean time” she said, “Get some rest.”

At about 2am the pain during contractions became intense. I began to throw up with each contraction. Nancy massaged my back in long strokes from my shoulders to my lower back and she pressed my hips together. We lit the candles that our friends and extended community made for us.

I lay on my side in bed and tried to rest and then got up in excruciating pain and ran to the bathroom to throw up repeatedly. At some point I had nothing left to throw up. Nancy made frozen recharge drink cubes, which I sucked between contractions. With each contraction I lost the recharge I had managed to swallow. I could not sleep and neither did Nancy. At one point I stood up and bent over the baby-changing table, Nancy came behind me and compressed my hips. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I said. Nancy said, “You are doing so well.” After this Nancy often told me that I was amazing and I could do it. My confidence came back a little bit with her encouragement.

At  4:25am  I went to the bathroom and a jelly-like clot of clear mucus and blood came out. “Baby I lost my mucus plug,” I shouted from the bathroom to the bedroom. Nancy wanted to see and I showed her.  I felt excitement at labor progressing and my body opening. I thought that I should call my friend Ellen so that she and her partner Carmen could prepare to come the next day but I wanted them to have some rest.

At 5:00am I called Ellen and told her that I was in labor. I said that it would probably be a while but it would be good if she came by 5:00pm. I asked her to tell Carmen and prepare to stay a long time. In our preparation Ellen and Carmen were responsible for setting up the birth tub.

Contractions became more and more intense. In the morning at about 8 or 9 my phone rang and it was the nurse from Kaiser calling to confirm my “no stress test”. I told her I was in labor and then began having a contraction while on the phone. Her name was Jill and she told me exactly when to breathe in and when to breathe out and she coached me through the contraction. It was exactly what I needed to keep going. After the phone call I used the deep breathing shown to me. I felt light headed but able to continue.

I asked Nancy to call Maria and Nancy said that my contractions were still far apart. I called Maria and asked her to come by when she could to check the baby’s heart beat. Maria said that she would come by at noon. At some point Nancy called the rest of our birth team Ellen Carmen and Carol and asked them to come.

Maria arrived before the others, I remember saying, “The contractions are really bad”. Maria said in an enthusiastic voice, “No they are strong that’s good!”

Maria called an assistant midwife named Nile who arrived with a tool belt slung low across her hips and filled with midwife tools.

Maria checked how far I was dilated in the bedroom. I lay back on the bed and she reached her hand inside and felt around. When she removed her hand she said, “You are eight centimeters dilated we are going to have a baby.”

When the support team arrived they began to assemble and fill the birth tub in the kitchen. Nancy stayed with me in the bedroom. I bent over the bed and my acupuncturist Carol Francois came in and massaged acupressure points on one side of my body, she showed Nancy how to massage the other side. The points helped my body open and sped delivery.

Maria asked if I wanted to go in the water tub to give birth and I could not imagine moving from where I was. It turns out that the tub was only half full anyway. Maria invited my support team into the bedroom and said, “Do what you have to do.”  Carmen documented the birth; I felt Carol’s presence near me. Ellen said later that she thought to herself, “What do I have to do?” Ellen brushed my tangled and wild hair back into a neat ponytail at the back of my head.

   Maria put a birth stool at the side of our bed. Nancy sat on the bed and I sat between Nancy’s legs on the birth stool, she put her arms under my arms for support. I held onto Nancy’s hands and squeezed them tightly.  Maria said, “When you feel the urge to push PUSH.” I remembered the story of another mamma who did not feel the urge to push and was transferred to the hospital. I pushed even though I did not feel a strong urge.  I felt something pop and then water gushed out. Maria wiped it away with a chuck pad, she also discretely wiped away the little bit of poop that came out as well.

I felt a tightness around my opening that burned, I stood partially up instead of pushing and thought to myself “you are a wimp.” Both Maria and Nancy encouraged me to squat down, both told me I was doing a good job; this helped. Then the assistant midwife Nile, young caring and confident took a fan from her tool belt on her hip and fanned my hot face. It felt amazing.

Together Maria and Nile listened to Sekou’s heartbeat. Maria looked me in the eye and said, “Your baby’s heart rate went down, and we are going to want to get him out in the next push or two. It is time to work really hard!” After this I do not remember feeling pain; I cared only about getting Sekou out safely. I remember pushing very hard. We have a video and in the video in these final moments of pushing I was quiet and concentrated.

I reached down and felt Sekou’s hair between my legs, it was slimy. I pushed again and felt his head and then his body slide out of me. Maria said “Nancy, Fiona -somebody catch your baby!” Maria caught Sekou and put him in my arms. “Well hello” I said “you made it.” Sekou cried and then was quiet against my breast. Nancy kissed me, we  both had tears running down our faces. Then Nile and Maria wiped the blood from Sekou’s body.  They clamped his umbilical cord and Nancy cut it. He was born at 2:41pm. Ellen sent a picture of him just born to our friends and announced his birth.

The midwives asked Nancy to take off her shirt and they put Sekou on her chest for skin-to-skin bonding. I stayed seated on the birth stool to birth the placenta. The placenta slipped out easily into a large bowel and looked a little like an organ to me or an enormous blood clot.

I had a little tearing and Maria prepared to give me stitches. She asked me to lie back on the bed. Someone put Sekou on my chest. Maria asked my friends to distract me.  Ellen lay to my right and Carol sat to my left. I closed my eyes and felt Carol stroking my forehead. Maria strapped a headlamp to her head, she sprayed between my legs with something that stung and then numbed the area then she began to carefully sew up my tears. I remember an overwhelming feeling of wellbeing. As Maria stitched the tears my friends sang, “Maria, I once knew a midwife named Maria.”

Next Maria put an ice pack between my legs and I lay with my head at the headboard. At the foot of the bed the Midwifes examined Sekou from head to foot and weighed him in a hanging cloth scale. Maria asked Nancy to put her little finger in Sekou’s mouth and he began to suck on it. Sekou weighed 8lbs and 3oz.

A few significant things about preparing for our homebirth:

My partner Nancy and I conceived Sekou March 8th 2011 with a little help from a sperm donor and alternative insemination. The date of Sekou’s conception is significant to me because it stands between the anniversary of my mother’s birth date on March 7th and her death date on March 9th.

My mother used to say about my birth, “I was in labor 48 hours and they almost lost us both.”  My mother was 39 when she birthed me caesarian and 42 when she birthed my little brother Ian. I am the age of my mother when she had her second child. I expected 48 hours of labor, I expected pain and I was prepared for the possibility of transferring to Kaiser Hospital if need be. In fact we toured Kaiser to see what it was like. I also had the example of two of my friends Alli and Michelle who gave birth at home with Maria as their midwife.

My ability to birth my son at home felt bigger than me. I felt carried by the people in our lives and the extensive preparation that Nancy and I underwent. Several things significantly helped me to prepare to give birth.

To start we met with Maria our midwife regularly, her coaching about everything from nutrition to how to work as a team was invaluable. The fact of her experience having delivered over 1000 babies gave me confidence. Maria’s coaching before and during the birth of Sekou and especially after his birth was the ground on which I stood. A great doctor at Kaiser Sarah Mendel followed me in addition to Maria and she supported my decision to birth at home.

I was also part of a mamma’s group of four women. In the group we shared experiences and we read the book “Birthing from within.” We did an art exercise from this book in which we each drew our ideal labor as a landscape. The picture I drew greatly resembled the birth I had.

The preparation I did with my acupuncturist Carol Francois helped me to carry a strong healthy baby. Carol attended the birth and her presence helped me immensely.

Other mamma’s birth stories helped me to prepare as well especially Raynell’s story, which made clear the importance of staying hydrated and partner encouragement. I enjoyed going to a potluck at Maria our midwife’s house at the beginning of my pregnancy and hearing so many home birth stories. It felt like a complete circle to go again after Sekou’s birth and share our experience for others preparing for home birth.

Most helpful to Nancy and my work as a team during labor was the home birth preparation class we took taught by Jane Austin. I also did prenatal yoga with her.

My friend Ellen was there for me through out my pregnancy and she and her partner Carmen attended Sekou’s birth. She threw a shower for us in Dolores Park; at the shower friends decorated candles to light during labor, they also took a candle home with them to light. Ellen sent a message to our friends to light their candles while I labored. An altar held the lighted candles from our community as well as the picture I drew in the mamma’s group during labor. The physical reminder that I was not alone and had support from our friends and ancestors helped me.

Carmen documented Sekou’s birth leaving us incredible photographs and video we will one-day share with him.

Number 993 - Welcome Na'Imah Iman

As I sit here staring at this little human that was in my belly just seven days ago, it is hard to believe this all really happened. I am blown away by my homebirth experience and am so proud to have had a successful birth in my own home surrounded by the people I love most.

Our birth story, for me, starts earlier than most I think because somehow I just knew it was coming. Tuesday April 19^th I was 38.5 weeks into my pregnancy, I started seeing a little bloody discharge and having period like cramps that had started days prior to that all of which excited me but I knew that it could still take weeks before I met my little one. The following day I had my appointment with Maria, I arrived early and so I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood, something I hadn’t been doing due to all of my pubic bone pain throughout the pregnancy but I was determined to meet my baby as soon as possible. Maria and I discussed the discharge with no alarm except Maria did say that she wasn’t sure if the baby is going to wait until my Mom got here on the 25^th, so that also excited me. I then got my chiropractic adjustment from Kristine and was on my merry way. When I got home the discharge and cramps continued to increase but no rhythm to the cramps just noticeable and annoying. At around 9pm when I was about to lay down for bed I got up to pee and noticed a brighter and larger amount of blood when I wiped which alarmed me so I called Maria. She let me know that it still sounded like mucous plug to her and I should try to sleep because I might be woken up in the middle of the night with contractions. So now I am really excited and falling asleep felt like it would be impossible, it was like the first day of school all over again. At 10pm I felt a noticeable change in the cramps they were not tightening across the top of my belly but down low and slightly more intense. I eventually fell asleep around 11pm only to wake up at 1am with more of the same cramps. I laid in bed until 3:30am trying to fall back to sleep but I started to become hungry.  I got up to eat which shifted something because then I felt them a little stronger and more frequent, every 3-5 minutes lasting about 30 seconds in length. I decided around 4am to text my doula Stacy Vogan and give her the update. She recommended I take a bath and try to relax. I decided the bathtub was too filthy so I scrubbed it clean then decided I was too hot to take a bath so I went and tried to lay down some more. Around 5am my still sleeping husband, Walid, woke up to his alarm and I told him to call in to work because my labor had definitely begun. My surprised and half asleep husband said “babe! Why didn’t tell me last night” I explained I wanted him to sleep as long as he could. We continued to lie in bed and relax, I got another hour of sleep from 7am-8am and woke up starving, I had the most insane craving for McDonalds breakfast so I sent my husband out. After he returned and my best friend Bianca came over I left the bed and tried to watch a funny movie to distract myself. That lasted about a half hour before I decided all the chatter of the movie was annoying me so I had them shut it off. At some point during this time I managed to shower and shave my legs but I cannot recall the time. My friend Susanne had also arrived, she was my photographer and as much as I was feeling like I didn’t want an audience I knew I wanted documentation.  We also set up Skype so that my Mom can feel present.

At around 10am we started timing contractions they were coming every 4-5 minutes and lasting 45 seconds. I would let them know it was coming then my husband would rush over and squeeze my hips and I would try to breath. At that point I really thought I needed my doula, I was feeling slightly inadequate and was needing more support. My doula arrived to the house around 1pm and as soon as I saw her I burst into tears, partly so relieved to see her and partly just from the pain and exhaustion. 

 

She was wonderful, reminding me of all that we have practiced and what I already knew I could do. Taking deep breaths and as Stacy would say “going deep” with my moaning. I was also feeling hungry and having zero desire to eat anything that I had to chew. Bianca made me a protein smoothie and we continued to labor. Shortly after that I decided to get into the birthing tub. 

 

The tub was amazing, I felt lighter and calmer. My husband got in with me and pushed on my hips with every contraction, he was so wonderful, reliable and completely supportive. Maria arrived around 2pm we think. My contractions at that point were feeling very intense, I would feel it coming, it would last about one minute to a minute and a half, then as it subsided another one would come up right behind it without a break but only lasting about 20-30 seconds and then I would get my much needed break. My moans were surprisingly louder than I had expected them to be. 

 

I am typically a very quiet person and expected a lovely silent homebirth as I had seen in so many homebirth videos, not so in my case and I was later told I sounded sort of like a lamb. I also remember clearly saying the words “no” and “ouchy” and I only cursed a few times (also surprising). What’s even more interesting about that is that I once read somewhere that research had shown newborns have the same intonation as their mothers when they cry and I swear some of the sounds she makes were the exact sounds I made while I birthed her. 

We were still waiting on my antibiotics to come via courier, since I had tested positive for GBS, once they arrived around 4pm we then needed to warm them up a bit. Around 5pm they were ready to go I had to leave my warm and cozy tub, which felt impossible. I could hardly walk at that point and made it about 10 steps before I felt another contraction coming. It was then that I saw a slight gush of water coming down my legs with a little bit of blood. I remember being confused if my water had broke or if I was still just wet from the tub but it continued to come and then I could care less as the contraction came on stronger. I bent over a table and called for the hip squeeze again and so we decided to do the antibiotics right there. I would sit on the exercise ball in between contractions to rest but I had to remain on that antibiotic and at that table for an hour.

After we were done with the antibiotics I felt very aware of the audience in my home and had an intense need to be alone with my husband so we went and begun laboring in our bedroom with the door closed. Every now and then Maria would pop in to check the baby’s heart rate, my blood pressure or my dilation; baby was always strong and steady. I sort of dreaded when Maria came in the room only because it meant a check of some sort or more antibiotics and my contractions felt so insane that I thought I couldn’t bare anything else. After laboring on the bed for awhile Maria checked my dilation again and I was only at 7 and feeling like there was no way that could be possible after all this work. She suggested we try sitting on the toilet as a different position to help things along and so we did. The contractions got worse on the toilet, stronger and longer. They also made me feel like I needed to push, push what I am not sure, what it really felt like was that I badly needed to poop. I would bare down on my husband’s hips and hold on until they passed, I was not liking the toilet at all so we moved back to the bed. Eventually I wanted to try the tub again in hopes that I would be getting close to pushing and we could birth there. At some point someone said I might be ready to push in a couple hours….I remember feeling very aware of time and knowing that these contractions were coming every 30-45 seconds apart from each other it seemed just daunting that I will be doing this for a couple more hours at the least. After we were in the tub for awhile Maria checked the baby’s heart rate again and she said that the heart beat was decelerating so I may need to leave the tub. She suggested I shift to my side and see if baby likes that better and thankfully she did, heart rate regulated and all was well. Eventually, we needed to do antibiotics again so we needed to leave the tub. Walking was near impossible and it took my husband and my doula to get me back to the bedroom contracting along the way. We labored there for what we think was about 45 minutes to an hour then Maria gave me a check again and said that I was at about 9 ½  and there was just a little bit left, then she said “I think you can start pushing and the pushing will clear that space”, she also said that she was calling her second midwife and she left the room. My doula Stacy said “did you hear what she said”, and I said “yeah, she’s leaving me” and she said “no she gave you the green light to start pushing”, for some reason I thought that the second midwife was coming to replace Maria. Maria then came and asked me if I wanted to make my way back to the tub for birthing. I had always wanted to birth in the tub but I just could not imagine making my way back across the house. So the pushing began right there in my bedroom. It felt amazing to try to get rid of that rectal pressure, although it was as if I got it out half way and it would be sucked back in..…highly dissatisfying. At one point I felt that my husband, who I was leaning on, had fallen asleep (which in retrospect I cannot imagine how because my moaning had definitely increased). I tried pushing on my back, pushing on all fours then Maria said “I have the birthing stool if you want to try that”. Again, feeling like I didn’t want to move anymore I also was willing to do anything to meet my baby. I decided to go for it, with my husband behind me supportive as ever and after just a couple pushes Maria checked the baby’s heart rate again and said “so Krissi, it’s probably best he baby come out as soon as possible” and I remember feeling an animalistic instinct to push and keep pushing like never before and then I heard “ok, there’s the head” which surprised me because I didn’t feel that happen but with the next push I felt an incredible burn and on Friday April 22^nd at 3:10am there she was on my belly. 

 

 I looked at her in complete amazement. She was so alert and just fantastic, she needed a little oxygen but throughout the whole process I never worried about her and had complete faith in Maria and my baby.

I can’t describe how happy I was to meet her and in complete denial that I actually pulled it off. I felt alarmingly refreshed and energetic and I was home in my bed with someone so perfect. We stayed up for the next 3-4 hours before falling asleep for about 3 hours and awake again with excitement. I am still in disbelief and as any one of my friends would tell you, I have a very low tolerance for pain but my determination and a little bit of stubborn (or as Maria wouId call it tenacity), I did it, without a single thought of an epidural, we did together, a perfect rhythm between baby and mama and an incredible birthing team. I am so thankful for Maria and Stacy and my amazing homebirth experience; I loved every moment of it and wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. 

Maia's Blessed Birth Or: How I had a Homebirth at Kaiser

 

by G.B.

My family is together in our bedroom on the second daybreak of our daughter’s life.  Daddy is holding Maia in bed, and Cindy Lou is looking on at the strange scene from her doggie bed in the corner.  And I am in awe of the many blessings we have received as we brought Maia into this world.  I don’t want to forget a thing about her birth.

After the birth, our midwife Maria said eloquently, “In a hospital, they are focused on a healthy baby and a healthy mama.  And we midwives are focused on that, too, but we add healthy process.  Because most of the time, without a healthy process, you don’t have a healthy baby or a healthy mama.” 

          Our process began on Sunday, April 17.  Brian and I spent the day quietly together.  Things had been feeling hectic and separate and impatient for me.  I felt like the baby might be coming soon, but I needed to connect.  We went on an urban hike, letting the location of bakeries determine our route.  We walked a hilly course of about 6 miles around the city, stopping at bakeries along the way.  Sesame tofu salad at Mission Pie, vanilla wafers at Dianda’s, a strawberry tartlet at Destination Bakery in Glen Park, a chocolate chip cookie at Noe Valley bakery, and then back home to Sharon Street.  I was totally exhausted, but not feeling any closer to labor.  I went to bed with the same feeling I’d had for a couple of weeks: ”Maybe tonight…?” 

          That night, at 3am, I woke up from what felt like regular surges, but I let Brian sleep.  A note about “contractions.”  I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, since the sensation was similar to the menstrual cramp achiness that I’d been having for weeks.  And really, the contractions I experienced during labor, whether light or profoundly deep, were more like surges of energy.  I know the biological explanation of contractions, but to me it was a life force surge.  I wish I could say that this helped to ground me or center me during my labor.  It did not.  It’s more in retrospect that I understand my experience of surges.

Around 4am I decided to do some timing, and sure enough these surges were about 10 minutes apart and lasted 30 seconds each.  Brian’s alarm rang at 6am, and I let him know that we were going to have our baby soon.  I was incredibly excited and curious.

          We decided to keep our 8am appointment with our midwife Maria rather than call her.  I must explain about Maria.  The more we have learned and experienced about pregnancy, birth, and babies, the more in awe I become at Maria’s incredible depth of knowledge and skill in caring for mamas and babies in a deeply caring, spiritual, and individualized way.  She took incredibly good care of my family, but more to come on that subject.

To get to Maria’s office, we took the J-Church muni train.  I had a couple of surges on the train, but was able to breathe through them and sway my hips in the seat.  When we arrived I excitedly announced that I was in labor.  She checked my vitals and sent us home, advising us to go about our business and have a regular day, though I couldn’t imagine how to do that.  I was really excited about being in labor, and I was so curious to find out what would come next.  We went to a café, stopped by a market for some supplies, and instead of waiting for the train home, we walked the quick mile through a foggy Dolores Park.  Things felt perfect.

          My mom came over to our house at around 10:00, and we decided that she and Brian were going to take Cindy Lou out for a walk while I rested.  Just before they left, I had a surge, so I stood up and leaned over on the table, and, Pop!, my water broke.  The sound and sensation of the pop were so surprising that I yelped and cracked up.  I could not stop laughing, which of course pushed out more liquid, which made me laugh harder.  Brian and Mom decided to skip the walk.  I was having a great time!  I called a dear friend in Virginia, and was still able to talk reasonably through my contractions.  I sent a few text messages about my water breaking, and got some encouraging responses back.  This was really happening.  My baby would be born on Monday April 18^th—full moon, foggy San Francisco, Passover—perfect. 

          Around noon, the surges intensified and I had to move and moan through them.  The work was starting.  Brian stood by me and helped me through each one as we moved through the house.  We worked on the exercise ball next to the bed, on the toilet, over the couch.  Brian timed the contractions, and while it was clear they were building, I knew we weren’t anywhere near the 4-1-1 mark: contractions 4 minutes apart, one minute duration, for at least an hour.  My mom and Brian were really eager to contact Maria, so at 1pm Brian called to give her an update and let her know that my water broke.  She was excited and encouraged us to keep going and call her back when we reached the 4-1-1 mark. 

My surges built to about 3 minutes apart, but were a bit inconsistent, as occasionally I’d have a 5 or 6-minute interval.  They were also short at 35-45 seconds.  They were, however, consistently strong: I had to moan and move through them.  I got impatient around 5 or 6, and at 6:30pm (still Monday) Brian called Maria to report our progress.  Even though we hadn’t gotten to 4-1-1, she decided to come over. 

I was relieved when Maria arrived at about 7pm, because I felt like I’d been working hard to get labor moving by trying all sorts of positions, movements and moaning.  I was getting tired and I was curious to know how dilated I was, and how close I was to having our baby!  She checked me, and we learned that I was 3 ½ centimeters dilated.  This was pretty discouraging to me, and was definitely a low moment.  I’d felt so prepared for many things, but I didn’t know anything about bringing labor on.  I’d just assumed it would happen naturally.  I was tired and out of ideas.  We all needed a break.  Brian’s parents brought food over, and my mom and Brian ate while Maria set up.  I was not at all interested in eating, although I was hungry.  I managed to eat a banana. 

The night is a bit of a blur.  It was a long night, but we continued to try everything: positions, walking, bouncing, swaying, atmosphere (music, candles), herbal drinks, and homeopathic remedies.  I called on my many mantras to help me: My body and my baby know what to do; My body is opening like a flower; KNOW; TRUST; and meditation techniques and yogic breathing and positions (juicy hips) to open, open, open.  I talked to my baby, and told him or her that it was time, it was ok to come.  I asked him or her what I needed to do. 

At about 3am, the 24 hour mark, Maria suggested I get in the tub for a change of pace.  My surges were very intense at this point, but the timing continued to be variable.  I was getting really tired, so the tub idea sounded great to me.  Being in the tub gave immediate relief to my tired, sore body.  Brian sat by and timed my contractions.  I was surprised by the power of the surges I had while in the tub.  They gripped my body, and I floated around to find positions and moans that would help move the energy through my body, and most importantly help the baby move down.  Some of these surges were long: about a minute and a half or longer.  The energy gripping my body was unbearable to me, but I stayed in the tub because I thought that maybe these contractions would take me to the next level of labor.  Still, it was hard work, and I told Brian I didn’t know if I could do it.  I felt despair: fear, hunger, exhaustion, and no baby in sight.  When would this end?  Brian was encouraging and loving and he is the reason why I was able to keep going.

In the morning, 12 hours after my first internal exam, Maria wanted to check my dilation.  So, at about 7am on Tuesday, I was eager to see how much I progressed.  I was 5 cm dilated.  What???  All that work, all night long, and I had only opened 1 1/2cm?  What was happening here?  We talked a lot about what could be holding me back, and what I could do to progress in my labor.  But first, Maria suggested this would be a good time to take a break so that I could build my strength up to keep going.  This sounded great to me.  We found a place for me to rest in a rocking chair, because when I lay down in bed, the contractions were too intense for resting.  In the rocking chair, I was able to rest for about 3 hours.  My contractions were coming every 6-10 minutes, and they were between 30-40 seconds, and they felt strong.  I had to moan and move through them.  I also had to train myself to stay in the chair when they were done.  I had the urge to walk around, and especially to go to the bathroom, but I knew I didn’t actually need to go, and that giving in to the urge to move around would not give me rest.

The resting was extremely helpful, and I was ready to ramp things up.  Come on active labor, let’s move this baby!  We had exhausted all homeopathic and herbal remedies; they just didn’t seem to be working.  We had a new plan: castor oil!  I would use the laxative to contract my intestines in the hope that it would encourage my uterus.  Yes, this would work.  I took the castor oil, continued to rest, and waited for the oil to work its magic.

At some point close to lunchtime, Maria noticed that the baby’s heart rate was decelerating during contractions, which is normal during active labor.  But I was no where near active labor.  Baby heart rate decelerations during early labor are reason for concern.  The castor oil needed to work.

I’ve lost track of time, but maybe around 1pm the castor oil kicked in.  I was re-energized: I had rested and I felt like this would do the trick.  I got back into positions and tried new ones, but still no progress.  It was clear after all the castor oil moved through me that it did not do the trick.  I still felt it was possible for these contractions to build to active labor, so when Maria suggested acupuncture, I was very excited because I knew my body responds well to acupuncture treatments.  We quickly found an acupuncturist, Linda, who was able to see me in 45 minutes, at 3:15.  At 36 hours of labor, we piled into Maria’s car and drove a mile down Church Street to see Linda.  Before we got there, Maria asked, “What do you think?”  I replied, “I think I’m going to get this treatment, it’s going to put me into active labor, and we’re going to have a baby by the end of the day.”  I was still smiling.

The drive was bizarre: I felt like I was watching a movie, or watching someone else’s dream.  The block and a half walk from the car to the office felt long, and I had a contraction along the way.  Linda treated me as I sat on a stool and was face-down on a large pile of pillows.  The treatment had an immediate effect, and it was not only due to the cupping and needles.  Linda encouraged me to call on my guides, to talk to my baby, and she asked what was blocking me.  I thought for a long while, and I said that I thought that the baby needed my permission.  When she asked me what I meant, I said I didn’t know.  Brian was in the room and he said, Yes, the baby needs my permission too!  It was deeply emotional, and I literally felt the baby move down as some of this emotional energy was cleared.  Linda and Maria left me and Brian alone together in the room.  I was still being treated, but Brian and I talked to each other and our baby, and made a plan for when we got back to the house.

I haven’t written many details about Brian’s involvement, but he was right next to me every second of this process.  He waited for my cues, he rubbed, pushed, pressed, and supported my body, or when I decided I did NOT want that, he stopped.  He whispered encouraging, loving words, and he timed my contractions while supporting me through them.  When we returned from the acupuncturist, with me deeper in contractions, we went into the “labor cave” (our bedroom), and sat together.  There were new rules: I did not want to hear any chatting in the house, and Brian and I would not chat.  We would sit in meditation, and I would do everything I could think of to progress labor.  The acupuncture moved the baby and deepened the surges, and I believed that focusing more on the labor would get us to the active labor part.

Brian timed my contractions in the cave.  Over an hour or so, there was no change.  Maria continued to check the baby’s heart rate during these contractions.  The deceleration was still there.  No change in either baby or mama.  Maria did an internal exam around 5:30.  I had been laboring for about 38 hours, and she told me that I was 5 ½ cm dilated.  I knew what was coming.  It was time to consider transport to the hospital.

Oh, the deepness of the disappointment I felt at this moment.  How could this be happening?  What was wrong with me?  What was wrong with my body, with my baby?  What else could I do?  I did not want to transport, but I know that if I stayed at home, there was the real possibility that my labor would not progress quickly enough and we would put the baby in danger, not to mention the fact that I was so exhausted that if I labored for another whole night, I might not have the energy to push at the end.

I turned to Brian.  He was so strong.  We talked about the cards exercise from our childbirth class.  We’d had 6 cards, and on each card we wrote a wish for our birth.  On the back of each card, we wrote the opposite of that wish, for example: short, productive labor on one side had long, slow labor written on the back.   Our instructor Jane had us lay them out, and one by one, we chose a card to turn over.  It was a very useful exercise in which we had to ask ourselves which aspects of our birth were we willing to give up, and what might happen if we had to give them up?  It was clear that it was time to turn over the have birth at home card so that we wouldn’t have to compromise the others, especially healthy mama, healthy baby. 

Tears came, certainly, but I felt that this decision was just the next step on our journey together.  The three of us, and my mom as silent backup, had worked together to consider each step of my labor.  I felt very confident with the plan: we were going to Kaiser to get, as Maria put it, “a whiff of pitocin” (labor-inducing drug), have the baby, and then get out of there AMA (against medical advice).  It was just the next step in my homebirth.

Upon arrival at Kaiser’s labor & delivery floor, Maria found a nurse who is her client!  She was going off duty at that time, but she set up with a nurse, Juliana, who was very respectful of my priorities and preferences.  Juliana was on our team, and was incredibly patient, kind and encouraging.  Perhaps most important, she communicated with the rest of the staff my preferences, and reminded them often how I wanted it done.

As I was getting set up, I looked at Maria and laughed.  What else could I do but give in and laugh?  I just couldn’t believe that after all we had done, all the months of thoughtful preparation and the hours and hours of labor, here I was in a beeping hospital room, surrounded by blue caps and masks, and hooked up to monitors and IVs.  But for some reason, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t disappointed.  I guess I knew this was what it was going to take for me to meet my baby, and I was so ready.

Maria was right: all I need was a whiff of pitocin, administered at about 9pm, and I felt like I was pushing the baby out from the first contraction.  The OB had checked me upon arrival, and I was 6cm, but I felt like this baby was coming soon.  The surges were gripping, but it was a great feeling: finally, progress!  This baby was coming.  I didn’t have time to get used to this new level of contractions, and I felt a little confused by the rush.  My body was shocked and holding against the surges, but Maria reminded me to moan deep and low, and to relax my legs and bottom, which I kept gripping.  I knelt facing the back of the hospital bed, and as each contraction came, first I threw my hips against Brian, and then I figured out how to hold on to the back of the hospital bed and squat.  I felt like I was pushing at the end of my surges.  I heard Juliana say, that sounds like pushing!  I didn’t know if I should do that yet, but Maria told me to just go with whatever was happening, and Juliana was very encouraging and told me to “do my thing.” 

I know that I was in active labor for 3 hours, but it seemed about 40 minutes.  Towards the end the OB came in and shouted, “wait, wait you’re having a baby!”  I was too deep in labor to actually laugh at this, but I knew it was totally absurd.  She insisted that I labor on my back: what a vision!  I was confused at this point, not having my wits about me to protest.  Maria helped get me into a position, and I started pushing.  WOW, the incredible power that I felt.  It was amazing.  This baby was coming.  But still, that laughter in the back of my head: was I really lying down on my back with a bunch of OBs in scrubs yelling “Push, PUSH!?”  Yes, that is how the last few minutes of my homebirth went.  And suddenly, I looked down, and there was my baby’s beautiful, perfect head, screaming.  What an incredible sight.  I continued to push, and just a few minutes later my husband placed our baby on my chest, and let me know that we had a girl. 

I am unable to describe the bliss, gratitude, and wonder that filled those moments.  I was aware of some activity around me, but mostly it was just me and my baby, my husband Brian elated by my side.  In the next moment, I looked at Maria, and her face had the same look of excitement that I felt.  It was like were we silently saying to each other, what an awesome birth!

And so, Maia Ambry Cavagnolo was born at a Kaiser homebirth at 12:14am on Wednesday, April 20, 2011. 

Healthy mama, healthy baby, and I would add: very healthy process.

Anna's Birth of Alexa

On the morning of July 17th at around 6am, I started feeling what I thought were contractions. They were mild, like the cramps I get during my period.  I was so happy to feel them as I knew that we were going to meet our baby soon!!! My husband, Tuyen, was very excited but also a little worried as Maria had told us that he would be the main person during my labor.   I had no fear, however, and believed in my partner wholeheartedly.  The birth was the most amazing and memorable experience of my life.  The biggest role in my amazing delivery was played by my husband.  He was always by my side as I went through my tough labor and provided inspiration when I didn’t have the strength to go on.

After sharing the news that my labor had started with Tuyen, I went back to sleep because I wanted to conserve my energy. My sister-in-law had given birth three months prior and she told us that her biggest mistake was that she spent so much of her energy counting her contractions during the early parts of her labor that she was exhausted by the end. We took that advice to heart and I rested as much as I could early on, which ended up helping tremendously. I awoke from my nap at 10am. My contractions were getting a little stronger, but still very manageable like heavy period cramps.  My husband called Maria to let her know that my labor had begun.   He had set up the birth tub a couple of days before and cracked some coconuts for me so we were ready for our delivery.  I wanted to go and get some food at a restaurant but my husband suggested that he go get some takeout instead. J

By 6pm my contractions had started getting a little stronger and we started our dance. When the contractions started, I would run to my husband and put my arms around his neck. He would embrace me and we would sway slowly back and forth while breathing deeply and vocalizing loudly together as we exhaled. We did this until the contraction passed and the pain subsided. He used his iPhone to time the length and frequency of my contractions.  We were supposed to call Maria again when my contractions were less than four minutes apart, lasted at least a minute, and repeated for at least an hour. My contractions were never very consistent as it progressed however: sometimes they would be last for a minute-and-a-half but they would be five minutes apart and other times they would be 3 ½ minutes apart but last less than a minute. By 11pm, my contractions were long enough and getting close enough together that Tuyen decided to call Maria and let her know.  Maria asked our doula, Nova, to come join us.

We repeated our dance during each contraction for the next few hours. I also got in the shower for several minutes to help with the pain.  Nova came around 2am and started observing our progress.  We continued our dance as my contractions got more painful and lengthy.  By 3am, my contractions were getting really strong and I was vocalizing very loudly. Nova timed the contractions and told Tuyen that she had called Maria and that Maria was on her way. Maria got to our place at around 4am. We went to our spare bedroom and Maria examined me. She told me I was doing great and that I was already 5cm dilated. Oh, this news was even more painful than my contractions!  At that point I could not believe that I went through 22 hours of labor and was only 5cm dilated!  I thought I was getting close to being able to push.  I went back to my dance with my husband, but mentally I was crushed.  I couldn’t believe that I was only halfway through the dilation process and that the harder half was still left to come!

Maria suggested that I take a break from pain by getting in the birth tub as hot water slows down the contractions and lessens the pain.  I did so and my pain eased a bit but I didn’t feel comfortable in the tub as I wanted to embrace my husband during the contractions.  I got out of the tub after about ten minutes and walked around the apartment naked and in pain like a wild animal.  The pain was getting so strong that it forced me to get on all fours. I lost my husband at that point and continued to labor on my own on the bathroom floor.  I screamed that I couldn’t do this anymore.  My contractions started overlapping with each other and there was no break from the pain.  In my head I was ready for anything that would kill the pain, even if it was a bullet to the head.  I started saying that I couldn’t do it. My husband and Nova kept telling me that I could do it and that I was doing it.

I was in the bathroom at this point and I decided I needed to get back into the birth tub to try to ease my pain. On the way to the tub, we passed through the kitchen. I stopped at the sink and threw up from the pain. This caused my water to break. When it rains, it pours…J.  My thought turned back to the birth tub.  I tried walking to it, but since my water broke it was slippery and I did not make it very far.  I finally got to within a couple of feet of the birth tub but I was in too much pain to actually get into it.  Nova told me to talk to my baby as it would take my mind off of the pain.  I started crying… “Baaaaabbby! Please come out! Why won’t you come out?!?” I kneeled on the ground and help myself just trying to get through the pain.

Soon after, at around 6am, Maria decided to check me again.  She needed to get me back into the spare bedroom for the examination but the room was all the way on the opposite side of our apartment.  My husband picked me up from behind and dragged me to the bed as I was unable to walk anymore. Maria checked me and said that I was fully dilated! She said I could start pushing when my contractions came.  Maria and Nova prepared hot compresses for me and guided me through the pushing process.  When I was pushing, I bit my pillow very hard and pulled the sheets off my bed. I was so ready to see my baby that I pushed her out in about 15 minutes. Maria placed Alexa on me and I felt her gentle and warm body on my belly.  Our love was born!!!

Maria said it was amazing because, for first time moms, the pushing usually takes a couple of hours. It happened so quickly that our second midwife didn’t get to our place until after Alexa was born. Maria and Nova were amazing and super-supportive during the whole birth process. Although it was extremely painful, I couldn’t be happier with how the whole labor turned out.

Emmy's Amazing Birth

I read so many birth stories while I was pregnant. I selected only the ones that were beneficial to my projection of what it would be like. A lot of them came from Ina may gaskin's 'spiritual midwifery' where they would describe each contractions as a “rush” and would describe how psychedelic it was and how tuned in everybody present at the birth was to the energy of the birth. I’m happy to say that my experience of the birth met the expectations that I created for myself through reading birth stories that vibe with that.

I had a feeling the baby would come earlier than the due date. I thought it was possibly wishful thinking, but I was ready, and the baby felt ready. I didn't want him to come too early, though, because I had a huge desire to go swimming with my mom and my big belly, before becoming 3 generations. My mom flew in, we went swimming, and the contractions began as I was drying off. I was surprised at how much it felt like constipation. At first I wasn't exactly sure. Part of me couldn't really believe it, especially because it was the day before my own birthday and I never imagined we'd share a birthday!

I went to the studio where the tub had been set up next to a mattress, and spent time experiencing waves of stomach discomfort. My mom helped for a while by rubbing my back, but soon i had to stand up because my back was feeling stiff. Walking around relieved the pressure. I thought about all the women who i was sharing this experience with, women i'd seen in videos, women in ancient tribes, my ancestors, and all the women around the world in the process of birthing at that very moment.

Maria, my midwife, told me to call her when the contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasting for one minute for an hour. Time seemed to fly by during contractions. I would tell my mom that it felt like 20 seconds, but it would turn out to be over a minute long. Every contraction, my mantra was 'yes, thank you.' I'm grateful that contractions start off small and build gradually. It gives plenty of time to integrate, and to feel that my body would do all the work and I just had to get out of the way.

Maria came. I was having rushes outside of the tub, because I had heard that if you get in before you're at 5cm, you might go back to being smaller. I was holding onto the tub, looking at the water, and really, really looking forward to getting in. After Maria checked how far I'd been dilated, at 4.5cm, i asked if i could go in and Maria said, 'of course.' Getting in the tub was followed by an immediate 'ahh~' and i was so grateful for the tub. The pressure on my back was pretty much eliminated. Later on it would return when it got more intense, but i found then that stretching my thigh muscles and butt muscles helped, and stretching was so much easier in the water than it would have been on land.

The baby's dad started composing soundscapes around 6pm. The way the yoga studio is set up is that the floors have transducers in them so you can feel the low frequency sound vibration through the floor. he was playing a lower volume than usual so that he could hear me and stay tuned in to the birth. It was good that he was playing music because not only did it keep him occupied with something important to do, but it assisted me on a level which i wasn't consciously aware of. Later when i would watch the video, I noticed that the sounds I made were in tune with the music he was playing. The lights were low and the people present (My mom, Maria, and Summer, the doula/apprentice midwife) were napping and hanging around. I found out later that they were taking detailed notes and were actually doing stuff, but at the time i was happy being in the zone and not having any interventions and distractions. I focused on meditating on and expressing gratitude, to my body, to my baby, to the earth, to the universe, to everyone who made the birth as it was possible. Although it was intense, I wasn’t experiencing the sensations as pain. I was committed to not experiencing the sensation of Pain from before the birthing process began. I remember thinking that it felt exactly as it should, and considering that my DNA contains a memory of the birthing experience from all the generations before me. I was thinking, 'even though i haven't experienced birthing in this lifetime, all of this is very familiar."

At around 6cm, i started to get the urge to push. I'm not sure why my body wanted to push if I wasn't supposed to push! I can't figure that out. It contradicts my belief that my body inherently knows what to do! Nevertheless, I trusted Maria and Summer's advice not to push, and they explained to me my cervix would get inflamed and swollen if I did. The energy would build up from my stomach and, similar to the reflex you get when you're dry heaving, where it comes from your stomach and into your head and out from your mouth, i was overcome with a slight urge to push, that built from the stomach and into my head and out from... my mouth if i breathed through it or in the form of pushing if i didn't. Summer stayed close by and would remind me, anytime it seemed like i was pushing. I found that using acu-points on my face and scalp helped release the energy as well. As it got to the intensity of being almost-there, i found that moving myself around the tub with my arms helped distract me from the urge to push as well. I toning to the point that I was losing my voice, but it really helped transmute the sensation. Sometimes I would hear myself and it would sound like a baby crying. I was doing deep grunts and high pitched squeels and lots and lots of Oming. Om, Yes, Thank you. Ohmmmm. Whenever I noticed my thoughts wanting to go negative, I would say “Babyyy~ I’m looking forward to meeting youuu!!” and I would usually find myself laughing or crying tears of joy. I began to get pretty tired at around 7cm, and in between contractions I would go into such an intense state of relaxation that I was drooling. Luckily I wasn't worried about what I looked like.

Opening up took pretty much an hour per centimeter, and at 9.5cm dilation my cervix wasn’t completely open but the baby was descending and Maria got in there to try to lift my cervix around the babe's head while i pushed and the baby tried to descend. The baby's heartrate dipped during a contraction, and so Maria said that she'd like me to leave the tub just in case she had to resuscitate him. I was slightly bummed that the baby wouldn't be born into the water, but eager to get the baby out and wrap it up, as this was all very exhausting and i was ready to rest for more than the time between contractions would allow me! leading up to the birth i processed the possibility that the birth may not proceed as planned. I didn't want to be disappointed in any way, so i had to accept that i may have to go to the hospital, i may end up having to get a c-section, i may ask for an epidural if i'm in the hospital, et cetera. So getting out of the tub and birthing the baby did not seem like such a deviation that warranted disappointment.

I pushed once on the mattress lying sideways but wasn't really into that. Maria invited me onto the birthing stool. Somebody said something along the lines of "he should be out in 20 minutes." and i thought, whaaat? 20 minutes? then i remembered how quickly time had been flying, and how i'd been in active labor for about 10 hours now, and so the initial feeling that 20 minutes was too much became excitement that 20 minutes was a breeze. So i pushed and worked on pushing, and then i more or less pooped him out! Maria kept reminding me to 'push down here' which, though it seems obvious, wasn't, since i don't practice pushng on a regular basis like I practice breathing.

The sensation of the head coming down did not feel like I thought it would. I thought it would be more vaginal, but the sensation was incredibly rectal. I also thought the shoulders and body would be easier after the head opened me up and that it would just slide out, but I had to push the body out too. After the baby came out, he was put in my hands and was a floppy, wet creature. Maria was rubbing him with a towel, stimulating him, and he cried. The crying overwhelmed me because I didn't want him to cry. I wanted the birth to be so peaceful that he would come out breathing peacefully. While I held the baby, i was told to push out the placenta. I was of the mindset that the placenta would eventually come whether i pushed or not and so I wanted to chill. I was on the stool, holding a wet, floppy crying baby, trying to adjust, but i was eventually convinced to give a few pushes to get the placenta out. Baby was left intact until later in the morning. He was born at 4:16am on my birthday, July 22nd... our birthday!

I lay in bed the rest of the day. the cord had been cut. I had been thinking i would do a “lotus birth” and leave the placenta attached until it fell off naturally, but lying there with the placenta, and the cord no longer transferring anything, lifeless, placid, white, with blood clots lining the cord, I asked the baby if it was okay to cut it. He didn’t react to my handling the cord, so I told Maria kind of sheepishly that i changed my mind about the lotus birth. She clamped it, and ceremoniously offered sephen and i the scissors to cut it. I had just birthed the baby so ceremony seemed silly, but i noticed that for stephen it felt significant.

I wasn’t able to sleep that day. I was physically tired but my mind was awake and alert. I wasn’t overcome and flooded with love like i expected, but I didn't beat myself up about it because i was tired and i was pretty certain of my ability to love the baby. I experienced strong feelings of love during the labor, but after the baby was out, i was tired. Awake, and alert, but spiritually, emotionally drained from all that work. I looked at this baby that the universe had placed into my care, and thought about how cute he was. My heart didn't melt into breastmilk like i imagined it would feel like. The sucking felt like nipple clamps were being pulled by a sadist, and i was the masochist who was enjoying it thanks to the lovely hormones of oxytocin guaranteeing the survival of the babe. But oxytocin doesn't feel like the heart-melting love that i think of when i think of love.

I'm writing this now 4 hours before he turns 5 days old, and I'm happy to say that I'm falling in love. Yesterday I separated from him for 15 minutes while I took a shower, and I missed him incredibly and couldn't wait to see him again. Later he stared transfixed at the shadows of my hands on the wall as I made shadow puppets of angels, birds, hearts, circles, and mudras. Today I saw the beginnings of a smile in the form of a series of quick grins, some of them lopsided and some of them fully delighted. His emotionally expressive dreamlife is the source of my neck pain, and my arms are sore from carrying him all the time when I could probably put him down. My body feels great, and i'm lying on my stomach, beginning to strengthen my stomach and back again, and enjoying my body's flexibility. I imitate my baby's dramatic back bends and neck curls and arm movements and find my bones and joints cracking much more than they did before. I can't wait to see my chiropractor again for the best adjustment ever. I am in total awe of my body and have never felt so good about myself, my body, and my body's abilities. I watched my body change, and now there is this helpless, basic little creature whose entire days consist of sleeping, resting, feeding, and processing body functions. And i am completely in awe of life-force that will grow this child into a laughing, smiling, thinking, running, jumping boy... and then a climbing, dancing, kayaking, swimming, diving, creative man.

I've embraced polyphasic sleeping and find myself having so much time, and awaiting for the baby to wake up so I can breastfeed him again and interact with him more than just watching his dream-expressions. He is so incredibly cute. He has the same mouth that my sister had as a baby. When his eyes are closed he looks like a little asian baby, but when he opens his eyes, he has big, dark blue eyes that retain the cat-like, almond-shaped quality of asian eyes and the size of alien eyes. Every day is going to be different, and time is going to fly even faster now. Pretty soon he'll be taller than me and he'll teach me things I didn't know. For now I'm letting him know that he's here, he's safe, and good things are coming his way.

To see more incredible photos from this birth, click here.

Matilda's arrival

Welcome to Matilda Meriwether Starbuck! She started off our November with a rush of wonderful babies. Congratulations to Orca, Boris, grandma Nancy and big brother Simon! Matilda was born on November 2, 2007, in the water, wrapped in a cord, right at home.

Juniper is here!

With power and pleasure, Juniper Pearlington Grace entered the world on November 5, 2007 at 2:04pm. She is a joy! Congratulations to Andie and Tom, amazing!